Working in retail at this stage in my life has actually been a huge learning process, and has been quite humbling as well. I work with many wonderful people who work hard and are just trying to make a living. That said, it has been extremely eye-opening in regards to human nature. Here are a few surprising things I have learned.
1. People buy the same CRAP over and over and over again. The same ugly ties, shirts, socks that all end up at the thrift store fly off the shelves like they are freaking platinum.
2. The holidays apparently make people crazy and more and more like mindless zombies every day. Why would a store stock a cheap as hell wooden pig puzzle (yes, pig puzzle)the retails for $20? Because people are desperate to shop for gifts, will see a sale..."Oh my God! This pig puzzle is on sale for only $10!!!" and they will buy it. Everytime.
3. People buy what the store tells them to buy. If something is not selling very well, a store can put it near the checkout in a halfway cool looking display and people will ooh and aah and buy them all out. If shirts are not selling so well, taking them off the floor for a week and putting them back out is enough to make them sell like hotcakes. Or just removing all but a few items does the same trick.
4. Nothing is new and exciting. I work in a store that I shopped in as teenager. I saw the exact same shirt (in new colors) that I bought ten years ago. Yes, I mean EXACTLY the same shirt. I went to another store after realizing this and saw a purple knitted shirt that I had bought in red 7 years ago.
5. Most likely a store knows when a person is stealing something. The store security cameras can practically see the pores on your skin. If the in-store police officer is on duty, he or she would absolutely LOVE to catch you at it and they often do. And the store clerks notice when people rip off tags and stuff them somewhere.
6. It is not only teenagers that steal. This is a common and unfair misconception. Yes, the juniors section is a pretty big hot spot, but many adults steal too. And theft has no gender or style boundaries. The shoplifters I have seen do not fit the cliche bill. They are usually dressed nicely and look like they could easily afford the stupid shit they are stealing.
7. A store is an incredible experiment in sociology. Most customers are very nice and respectful, but sadly, some treat retail workers like unpaid servants. Yes, we would be happy to help you, but we do not deserve the huge piles of clothes turned inside out and left in knots in the dressing room, the coffee cups shoved under benches and other similar messes. For 7-8 bucks an hour, keep in mind: retail workers are not maids, we deserve a smile and a smidge of respect. Just as it says A LOT about you how you treat your server at a restaurant, it also says a lot about you how you act when you walk in a store. Have a heart, have some class and you can make our days tremendously more meaningful.
8. Products are being made as cheaply as absolutely possible. Everyone is trying to save money, including the product manufacturers. That shirt you have had your eye on for weeks (the one that is so expensive you have to wait for it to go on sale), is made with the cheapest zipper possible, the cheapest fabric possible and, if you look at the seams, is put together pretty shabbily too. I am not just talking about less expensive stores, but nice department stores too. I am a long time sewing enthusiast, and it makes me mad to see people spending their hard earned money on a shirt that will look misshapen and faded in a few months.
9. Retail workers are like a great underpaid family. Though the pay is not enough to support yourself much less a family, the people bond over what they do on a daily basis. They laugh when customer is funny, they help each other out when one needs it and they all work together to get the job done. At the end of a long, inglorious day, retail workers may be exhausted, but they can still share a laugh and wave each other good bye in the parking lot, and all to do it again the next day.
Everyone is working hard right now. Everyone deserves a little respect, regardless of their job.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
But I can get through it all...
Money is tight. I owe some, for sure. I am in a pretty boring town with nice people but no dear friends. I am trying to figure out how to make things work.
But all of that is okay. Wonderful, in fact. Because I have the most magnificent thing in the whole world waiting patiently for me across the ocean.
I can't think of one thing better, nor can I think of any bad thing that overshadows loving and being loved. It is all so worth it. Even after a long, hard day, I am happy when I lay down to go to sleep. That feels so good.
One of my favorite love songs...right here
But all of that is okay. Wonderful, in fact. Because I have the most magnificent thing in the whole world waiting patiently for me across the ocean.
I can't think of one thing better, nor can I think of any bad thing that overshadows loving and being loved. It is all so worth it. Even after a long, hard day, I am happy when I lay down to go to sleep. That feels so good.
One of my favorite love songs...right here
Working 1 hour barely buys me a gallon of milk and a box of cereal to eat with it.
Okay. This is a bit embarrassing to admit because I am almost done with my M.A., but it is true: I did not know if I should laugh or cry at the supermarket the other day when I realized that I had to work for a whole hour to buy body wash and a tiny container of tuna. So I put the body wash back. And I was mad when I got home because I realized that in the 2 and a half years that I have been out of the U.S., the tuna can has gotten significantly smaller AND more expensive. Yet I am still making the exact same wage as I did 7 years ago working at a fabric store. Only now I am in debt for grad school. Awesome.
Am I the only one who thinks there is something wrong with this picture?
I was out and about today and I had a short, pleasant conversation with a young store clerk. He had a sling on his arm, but he was still working cheerfully. I asked him about it, and he disclosed that he had been injured in a football game and had to have surgery in just a few days. I said that I hope his insurance was covering it. He said that his insurance coughs up 80% and he has to cover the rest, which is over $1000. In a very lighthearted manner, he said he has been working 3 jobs just so he can pay for it. This nice kid couldn't have been more than 20.
Gas and food prices have gone up. Rent has gone up. There are less jobs and wages have stayed exactly the same. Why isn't anyone talking about this?
Am I the only one who thinks there is something wrong with this picture?
I was out and about today and I had a short, pleasant conversation with a young store clerk. He had a sling on his arm, but he was still working cheerfully. I asked him about it, and he disclosed that he had been injured in a football game and had to have surgery in just a few days. I said that I hope his insurance was covering it. He said that his insurance coughs up 80% and he has to cover the rest, which is over $1000. In a very lighthearted manner, he said he has been working 3 jobs just so he can pay for it. This nice kid couldn't have been more than 20.
Gas and food prices have gone up. Rent has gone up. There are less jobs and wages have stayed exactly the same. Why isn't anyone talking about this?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Saving sand dollars
I have long since felt that people reveal their true nature by how they treat the most seemingly insignificant creatures. With disdain, ambivalence or compassion...
A few weeks ago, I was at a beautiful, windy and scarcely populated beach here in Sarasota. I had been told it was a perfect beach to treasure hunt for sand dollars. It was!
Wading out into the gulf, I found dozens of the beauties with my feet, just below the sand. A few others around me were finding them too.
As I carried my handful back to the shore, two women stopped me and kindly told me that the ones I had gathered were still alive. They told me how to tell which were dead and okay to keep. They said I could do whatever I wished, they just wanted to let me know. My Mom, who had also scavenged an armful, dropped them instantly and thanked the women for letting her know. I was a bit hesitant but after a mini internal grumble, I dropped them to the gulf bottom.
Another person in my party had heard the advice but taken them to the shore already, saying that it was just a few measly sand dollars and it wasn't hurting anyone.
Now my mission in this is not to be a big sand dollar saving hippie--though I would not mind if that point got across, but to think about how that type of thinking can do such great damage. Just think if everyone had that mindset. What would it do to our earth? Sadly too many people, too many corporations act out of this same line of reasoning.
It is just one. Just a few. Just a few don't matter. That is absolutely not true.
It is just one tiny creature in that beautiful sand dollar, but my quality of life really isn't any better if I bleach it to death so I can put it in my bathroom.
A few weeks ago, I was at a beautiful, windy and scarcely populated beach here in Sarasota. I had been told it was a perfect beach to treasure hunt for sand dollars. It was!
Wading out into the gulf, I found dozens of the beauties with my feet, just below the sand. A few others around me were finding them too.
As I carried my handful back to the shore, two women stopped me and kindly told me that the ones I had gathered were still alive. They told me how to tell which were dead and okay to keep. They said I could do whatever I wished, they just wanted to let me know. My Mom, who had also scavenged an armful, dropped them instantly and thanked the women for letting her know. I was a bit hesitant but after a mini internal grumble, I dropped them to the gulf bottom.
Another person in my party had heard the advice but taken them to the shore already, saying that it was just a few measly sand dollars and it wasn't hurting anyone.
Now my mission in this is not to be a big sand dollar saving hippie--though I would not mind if that point got across, but to think about how that type of thinking can do such great damage. Just think if everyone had that mindset. What would it do to our earth? Sadly too many people, too many corporations act out of this same line of reasoning.
It is just one. Just a few. Just a few don't matter. That is absolutely not true.
It is just one tiny creature in that beautiful sand dollar, but my quality of life really isn't any better if I bleach it to death so I can put it in my bathroom.
Here is to CHANGE.
As a feminist woman, why should I give a damn if men get involved in the pursuit of a gender equitable society? Why should I care about how men view feminism?
Because without men on board, nothing will ever change.
Because without men on board, nothing will ever change.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Does "winning" a war mean nothing or everything?
Many people have explored the idea that there are no winners in war. That there is such irony in calling oneself a winner of a war.
Let me think about it.
If there is a winner, then it is certainly (presumably) a loser. Or several losers. What happens when people lose a game? If a person is a "bad loser" they can become angry and bitter and often act in negative or aggressive ways. I have witnessed bad losers before. But only in games. Like board games or bowling or mini golf. I am not the best loser when it comes to Monopoly for sure.
And sports games. Crowds can get violent after an important game. During the World Cup--and I imagine other organized games as well--violence against women goes up significantly in the country of the losing team. Let me put that into more specific words so the meaning is not dulled: When a team loses a game in the World Cup, more women in that country are violently beaten that night. Because aggression goes up after experiencing a loss. Of a football game.
And in war? If bad losers of board games and football games can act in such ways, what about the losers of a war? And not without reason. Not to say the actions are justified, but I can see how the actions of a loser in war could grow infinitely. If losing means that I see the death of my countrypeople all around me, if losing means that I fall witness to torture and rape and humiliation, if losing means starving and having no place to call home--then yes. I can imagine being a bad loser a very likely thing indeed.
What happens to those feelings after such a loss? They do not fade away into nothingness. They do not slowly dim, resulting in ambiguity.
I can only imagine that they grow. Mutate. Fester into hatred that cannot be forgotten. I can't even imagine feeling this. I am beyond fortunate.
Even in my extremely basic understanding of physics, I understand the principle that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So when people lose in war, the hatred, hurt and desperation must transform into something. If that cannot be turned towards the supposed winner of the war, then it must turn on someone else.
So I ask: does violence ever solve anything?
And the winner? I never really understood how a country or group of people can win a war. To me, that is a cruel slap in the face to every person whose life was lost fighting in that war; a slap in the face to every person who has loved a person who has died fighting to "win".
Yes, I have heard the greater good argument. But it is easy to make that argument when you are still alive. When all of your loved ones are cozy in their beds.
So even when a war is won, the victory is soiled with much blood. And those who do make it home after the war is over? Have they won when they cannot forget all of the violent things they have seen, all of the violent things they have been told to do? If this is what winning is, then my concept of winning and losing needs much reflection...
some afterthoughts...
The lives that are lost to win a war need to be heavily examined. The powerful people that determine if a country goes to war will rarely risk their lives, or the lives of their loved ones. In the U.S., economics play such a huge part in who enlists in the military. It is often the only forseeable choice for young U.S. Americans who cannot afford or no desire to go to university. These people, the ones who will actually risk their lives (and sometimes lose them) to achieve "the greater good" have no power or decision making rights. It is ridiculous to me that the ones deciding where the blood may be spilled, risk none of their own blood. Again, it is easy to wage a violent war when you are safe in your luxurious office.
Also, a friend made a good comment, that warfare should only be waged as an absolute last resort, when everything else has been exhausted. We need to exhaust more options. Of course millions of people are much more complicated than a couple in a relationship, but certainly the priciple can be expanded to war; in a fight between two people in a relationship, there can be many outcomes.
If the people are invested in one another, they will either resolve their conflict so both partners can go on feeling fufilled,cared for and respected, OR they will leave the conflict in a way so one partner is satisfied with the outcome and the other is not. The other partner is then left feeling as though they do not matter as much in the relationship. I don't know about you, but I have experienced this and it is a terrible feeling. Those relationships either end or go on with one partner delusionaly satisfied and the other feeling unfufilled and disconnected.
War is way more complicated than a relationship between two people for sure, but the principles of relationships can apply to many levels.
Let me think about it.
If there is a winner, then it is certainly (presumably) a loser. Or several losers. What happens when people lose a game? If a person is a "bad loser" they can become angry and bitter and often act in negative or aggressive ways. I have witnessed bad losers before. But only in games. Like board games or bowling or mini golf. I am not the best loser when it comes to Monopoly for sure.
And sports games. Crowds can get violent after an important game. During the World Cup--and I imagine other organized games as well--violence against women goes up significantly in the country of the losing team. Let me put that into more specific words so the meaning is not dulled: When a team loses a game in the World Cup, more women in that country are violently beaten that night. Because aggression goes up after experiencing a loss. Of a football game.
And in war? If bad losers of board games and football games can act in such ways, what about the losers of a war? And not without reason. Not to say the actions are justified, but I can see how the actions of a loser in war could grow infinitely. If losing means that I see the death of my countrypeople all around me, if losing means that I fall witness to torture and rape and humiliation, if losing means starving and having no place to call home--then yes. I can imagine being a bad loser a very likely thing indeed.
What happens to those feelings after such a loss? They do not fade away into nothingness. They do not slowly dim, resulting in ambiguity.
I can only imagine that they grow. Mutate. Fester into hatred that cannot be forgotten. I can't even imagine feeling this. I am beyond fortunate.
Even in my extremely basic understanding of physics, I understand the principle that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So when people lose in war, the hatred, hurt and desperation must transform into something. If that cannot be turned towards the supposed winner of the war, then it must turn on someone else.
So I ask: does violence ever solve anything?
And the winner? I never really understood how a country or group of people can win a war. To me, that is a cruel slap in the face to every person whose life was lost fighting in that war; a slap in the face to every person who has loved a person who has died fighting to "win".
Yes, I have heard the greater good argument. But it is easy to make that argument when you are still alive. When all of your loved ones are cozy in their beds.
So even when a war is won, the victory is soiled with much blood. And those who do make it home after the war is over? Have they won when they cannot forget all of the violent things they have seen, all of the violent things they have been told to do? If this is what winning is, then my concept of winning and losing needs much reflection...
some afterthoughts...
The lives that are lost to win a war need to be heavily examined. The powerful people that determine if a country goes to war will rarely risk their lives, or the lives of their loved ones. In the U.S., economics play such a huge part in who enlists in the military. It is often the only forseeable choice for young U.S. Americans who cannot afford or no desire to go to university. These people, the ones who will actually risk their lives (and sometimes lose them) to achieve "the greater good" have no power or decision making rights. It is ridiculous to me that the ones deciding where the blood may be spilled, risk none of their own blood. Again, it is easy to wage a violent war when you are safe in your luxurious office.
Also, a friend made a good comment, that warfare should only be waged as an absolute last resort, when everything else has been exhausted. We need to exhaust more options. Of course millions of people are much more complicated than a couple in a relationship, but certainly the priciple can be expanded to war; in a fight between two people in a relationship, there can be many outcomes.
If the people are invested in one another, they will either resolve their conflict so both partners can go on feeling fufilled,cared for and respected, OR they will leave the conflict in a way so one partner is satisfied with the outcome and the other is not. The other partner is then left feeling as though they do not matter as much in the relationship. I don't know about you, but I have experienced this and it is a terrible feeling. Those relationships either end or go on with one partner delusionaly satisfied and the other feeling unfufilled and disconnected.
War is way more complicated than a relationship between two people for sure, but the principles of relationships can apply to many levels.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The luxury to have a reality check
A hallow victory...
One day after the International Day of Peace, I got to thinking. Yes, It is difficult to be a broke student trying to find a job in a bad economy with massive school loans weighing me down. Yes it is frightening to not have health insurance. Nonetheless, I am fortunate.
I have the luxury of sitting here by the window, typing and eating some pineapple. I have the luxury of discussion here on my blog--complaining about companies profiting off women's insecurities, about communication problems and relationships.
Had I been born to different parents, my life could be completely different. I might not have had the luxury of complaining.
I do not have to walk for days in the dessert heat, just to bring water to my family. I do not have to be afraid of being raped every time I go to the bathroom in my refugee camp. I do not have to cry as I look around at the women of my country, knowing that 9 out of 10 of my fellow women have been sexually assaulted. I will not be disowned and forced to commit suicide after being raped.
I am free from being violently thrown from my home, having nowhere else to go. I can rest in peace knowing that I will not be raped by an opposing side in a war that has nothing to do with me. I will not be humiliated. I will not be beaten. I will not have acid thrown in face, blinding and painfully disfiguring me on my way to school. I will not go to a school party and have fellow students assault me and leave me for dead under a bench.
I can sit here, in my quiet study, and know that I will fall asleep tonight safe in my warm bed. I want to make a difference in the world. I don't want to forget others whose lives are so full of hardships.
I don't want to complain. But it seems I have that luxury...
One day after the International Day of Peace, I got to thinking. Yes, It is difficult to be a broke student trying to find a job in a bad economy with massive school loans weighing me down. Yes it is frightening to not have health insurance. Nonetheless, I am fortunate.
I have the luxury of sitting here by the window, typing and eating some pineapple. I have the luxury of discussion here on my blog--complaining about companies profiting off women's insecurities, about communication problems and relationships.
Had I been born to different parents, my life could be completely different. I might not have had the luxury of complaining.
I do not have to walk for days in the dessert heat, just to bring water to my family. I do not have to be afraid of being raped every time I go to the bathroom in my refugee camp. I do not have to cry as I look around at the women of my country, knowing that 9 out of 10 of my fellow women have been sexually assaulted. I will not be disowned and forced to commit suicide after being raped.
I am free from being violently thrown from my home, having nowhere else to go. I can rest in peace knowing that I will not be raped by an opposing side in a war that has nothing to do with me. I will not be humiliated. I will not be beaten. I will not have acid thrown in face, blinding and painfully disfiguring me on my way to school. I will not go to a school party and have fellow students assault me and leave me for dead under a bench.
I can sit here, in my quiet study, and know that I will fall asleep tonight safe in my warm bed. I want to make a difference in the world. I don't want to forget others whose lives are so full of hardships.
I don't want to complain. But it seems I have that luxury...
Monday, September 20, 2010
How are regular U.S. Americans surviving?
I have been extensively looking for jobs.
And I mean extensively.
While I finish my thesis and look for stimulating jobs in my field, I have been hunting for a tide-me-over job. Now, do not get me wrong...a job is a job. Any way a man or women can do an honest day of hard work is good by me. I am just really looking forward to starting a career involving my passions. (My passions that I have gone into huge debt over that I will probably be paying off for many years to come).
Anyway. Of all the (somewhere around 30) places I went to and called and followed up on only hire part time. So of course no benefits. And with this crap economy they can pay you less than normal because there are 300 other people who want the exact same crap job as you.
So my question: how are people supposed to survive?
It is difficult enough finding 1 part time job, much the 2 part time jobs that are needed to afford a shitty but bearable existence. On one part time salary, how am I supposed to pay rent? What If I get sick--how am I supposed to afford the doctor, or worse, afford any kind of treatment?
The price of food now is ridiculous! Maybe it is because I have been working and studying abroad for two and a half years now, but don't think so. I feel like going to the grocery store is such a disappointment. Buying 10 measly items racks up a $30+ bill! And I am a vegetarian, so that doesn't even include the cost of meat.
What if I had a family to support? As of right now, I only have my cat to feed. What if I had a kid or 2? Or 3? How on earth would I pay for a roof over their heads, health care, clothing, school supplies, food?
And yet, with every employer it remains the same: "We only hire part time".
How are you surviving, America? I wish the best for everyone. I really do...
And I mean extensively.
While I finish my thesis and look for stimulating jobs in my field, I have been hunting for a tide-me-over job. Now, do not get me wrong...a job is a job. Any way a man or women can do an honest day of hard work is good by me. I am just really looking forward to starting a career involving my passions. (My passions that I have gone into huge debt over that I will probably be paying off for many years to come).
Anyway. Of all the (somewhere around 30) places I went to and called and followed up on only hire part time. So of course no benefits. And with this crap economy they can pay you less than normal because there are 300 other people who want the exact same crap job as you.
So my question: how are people supposed to survive?
It is difficult enough finding 1 part time job, much the 2 part time jobs that are needed to afford a shitty but bearable existence. On one part time salary, how am I supposed to pay rent? What If I get sick--how am I supposed to afford the doctor, or worse, afford any kind of treatment?
The price of food now is ridiculous! Maybe it is because I have been working and studying abroad for two and a half years now, but don't think so. I feel like going to the grocery store is such a disappointment. Buying 10 measly items racks up a $30+ bill! And I am a vegetarian, so that doesn't even include the cost of meat.
What if I had a family to support? As of right now, I only have my cat to feed. What if I had a kid or 2? Or 3? How on earth would I pay for a roof over their heads, health care, clothing, school supplies, food?
And yet, with every employer it remains the same: "We only hire part time".
How are you surviving, America? I wish the best for everyone. I really do...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Damn. "Femininity" is expensive.
What are we, as women, told is feminine? Long, shiny, voluminous, bouncy, non-frizzy hair. Long, dark, curly eyelashes. Long, hairless, tanned/not tanned legs. Full, colorful lips. Rosy cheeks; dewy complexion. Smokey, defined eyes. Perky breasts. Slim and defined waist. Oh yeah. We are told that looking young is the most important thing of all.
Of course, there is a plethora of products to help women achieve these so called feminine traits. We have all heard the statistic of how many billions of dollars U.S. Americans spend on beauty products, but do we really think about it? Do we think about the consequences, the implications?
You can buy self tanner, skin whitening cream, rouge, blush, straightening irons, curling irons, push up bras, waist cinchers, lip gloss, eyelash curlers (which look like a freaking medieval torture device), cover-up, foundation and powder (We already have skin, for crying out loud! And men aren't concerned with covering up "imperfections" with makeup...), shavers, hair-removal cream, hair-removal foam, hair dye, hair shine treatments, eyelash growth medication, tummy-control tights, lip-plumper lipstick, eyebrow waxing, eyebrow flossing (I don't even want to know how that works). I am not so big into this crap, so I am sure there are many products I am overlooking.
We are often told to 'enhance our natural beauty'. What is wrong with our actual beauty? I think men for sure, and hopefully some women would agree that the unpoked, unplucked, unmade female form is unbelievably beautiful. As is the natural male form.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but why does your best have to be SO EXPENSIVE?
How convenient that there is a SHITLOAD of money to be made off women being insecure with their own, natural bodies. Why would anyone with money to be made off making women insecure about their bodies (beauty supply companies, fashion magazines etc..) have any motivation to really want to improve the lives of women? In three words: they would not.
Women: you are beautiful on your own. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Why would anyone tell you otherwise? Because they have power over you and want to make sure they keep that power.
Of course, there is a plethora of products to help women achieve these so called feminine traits. We have all heard the statistic of how many billions of dollars U.S. Americans spend on beauty products, but do we really think about it? Do we think about the consequences, the implications?
You can buy self tanner, skin whitening cream, rouge, blush, straightening irons, curling irons, push up bras, waist cinchers, lip gloss, eyelash curlers (which look like a freaking medieval torture device), cover-up, foundation and powder (We already have skin, for crying out loud! And men aren't concerned with covering up "imperfections" with makeup...), shavers, hair-removal cream, hair-removal foam, hair dye, hair shine treatments, eyelash growth medication, tummy-control tights, lip-plumper lipstick, eyebrow waxing, eyebrow flossing (I don't even want to know how that works). I am not so big into this crap, so I am sure there are many products I am overlooking.
We are often told to 'enhance our natural beauty'. What is wrong with our actual beauty? I think men for sure, and hopefully some women would agree that the unpoked, unplucked, unmade female form is unbelievably beautiful. As is the natural male form.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but why does your best have to be SO EXPENSIVE?
How convenient that there is a SHITLOAD of money to be made off women being insecure with their own, natural bodies. Why would anyone with money to be made off making women insecure about their bodies (beauty supply companies, fashion magazines etc..) have any motivation to really want to improve the lives of women? In three words: they would not.
Women: you are beautiful on your own. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Why would anyone tell you otherwise? Because they have power over you and want to make sure they keep that power.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
MIS(ter)COMMUNICATION
This afternoon in the car, someone very close to me asked me, "...well, how many men do you know that are good communicators?" (This someone happens to be a man himself, and he also happens to be one of the best male communicators I have ever known).
Okay, so anyway... Excellent question. My answer: sadly, not very many at all.
Why is that? Communication is a vital aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.
A person is much more likely to be successful in a career if they are a good communicator. True, talking is not the only way to communicate--but for sure we, as humans, pride ourselves on rational thought and feeling. And rational thought and feelings are absolutely pointless if they cannot be communicated. Every great idea that graced the mind of people has either been shared or lost forever within the mind of its creator.
So, doesn't it seem to be a major setback for a man to not be a good communicator? Please do not get me wrong--being a woman does not make you a good communicator, and being a man does mean you are a bad one. In the nature versus nurture argument my see-saw tends to plunk down on the nurture side.
What is it? Does our society not value that skill in men? Are they socialized to see communication as a bad thing...or simply not valued?
Why are women labeled the communicators? Why are we seen as the talkers? Yes, I think a person can talk too much, but I also think that a person can talk too little. And plenty of people have trouble communicating in a positive, effective way.
My personal examples: (no names, no relationship details, but men I have known and cared about for a long time) Man 1--He is a great person, smart and caring. But very difficult to talk with deeply. Once every 2 or 3 months, he will open open up and we will have a great conversation for hours and hours. Then the communication window closes and you must wait patiently till it opens again. If you try to get him to open up at other times, he gets bothered.
Man 2--He shows his love by buying things and planning trips. He gets angry very easily and often says very mean and hurtful things out of anger. He says I love you, but can't really communicate it in any other way. He shows love by being a provider, not by communicating feelings.
Man 3--He does not like to fight, but when he does, he gets incredibly angry, mean and hurtful. The other 99% of the time, he avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. It just builds up in him until it explodes in a very destructive way.
Man 4--He keeps nearly all of his feelings to himself. What affection he can communicate is nearly entirely through his actions. When he is angry,even over something extremely important, he does not deal with it, he will just leave the situation--often forever.
All of these men are really good people that I love or have loved. I am happy we are all different and I know not everyone communicates in the same way. I just wish these men could have communicated with me differently, more positively, more effectively. So many problems in my relationships have been due to miscommunication...one person says something they do not mean, one person takes something in a certain way that was not intended, people withhold their true feelings, people are too afraid to communicate their true feelings. Relationships present enough struggles as it is...not being able to communicate through those struggles makes the situation so much worse. I can't help but wonder, how would my past relationships have been different if we could only communicate what we feel, and in a constructive way?
I do not agree with the archaic concept of it being a man's job to provide for and protect. Sure it is nice when they do, but women should provide and protect too, and a man is no less of a man if fails to kill himself working and communicating etc.. to provide 5 plasma TVs for his family. BUT, this provider "rule" highly contradicts with the non-communicator aspect of masculinity. To be a good provider, you need to be able to communicate well; both with your family (to keep the family close-knit and happy) and in your job or career. To well at most jobs, you need to be able to communicate with your boss and fellow workers.
How many men have I known that can communicate their feelings and thoughts with me well? Very few. That makes me sad, I know many men that have a lot to offer. Men are worth more than their ability to work or perform. They are worth their thoughts and feelings too. Just as women are.
What would the world be like if we could all positively and effectively communicate our feelings? Just imagine...
Okay, so anyway... Excellent question. My answer: sadly, not very many at all.
Why is that? Communication is a vital aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.
A person is much more likely to be successful in a career if they are a good communicator. True, talking is not the only way to communicate--but for sure we, as humans, pride ourselves on rational thought and feeling. And rational thought and feelings are absolutely pointless if they cannot be communicated. Every great idea that graced the mind of people has either been shared or lost forever within the mind of its creator.
So, doesn't it seem to be a major setback for a man to not be a good communicator? Please do not get me wrong--being a woman does not make you a good communicator, and being a man does mean you are a bad one. In the nature versus nurture argument my see-saw tends to plunk down on the nurture side.
What is it? Does our society not value that skill in men? Are they socialized to see communication as a bad thing...or simply not valued?
Why are women labeled the communicators? Why are we seen as the talkers? Yes, I think a person can talk too much, but I also think that a person can talk too little. And plenty of people have trouble communicating in a positive, effective way.
My personal examples: (no names, no relationship details, but men I have known and cared about for a long time) Man 1--He is a great person, smart and caring. But very difficult to talk with deeply. Once every 2 or 3 months, he will open open up and we will have a great conversation for hours and hours. Then the communication window closes and you must wait patiently till it opens again. If you try to get him to open up at other times, he gets bothered.
Man 2--He shows his love by buying things and planning trips. He gets angry very easily and often says very mean and hurtful things out of anger. He says I love you, but can't really communicate it in any other way. He shows love by being a provider, not by communicating feelings.
Man 3--He does not like to fight, but when he does, he gets incredibly angry, mean and hurtful. The other 99% of the time, he avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. It just builds up in him until it explodes in a very destructive way.
Man 4--He keeps nearly all of his feelings to himself. What affection he can communicate is nearly entirely through his actions. When he is angry,even over something extremely important, he does not deal with it, he will just leave the situation--often forever.
All of these men are really good people that I love or have loved. I am happy we are all different and I know not everyone communicates in the same way. I just wish these men could have communicated with me differently, more positively, more effectively. So many problems in my relationships have been due to miscommunication...one person says something they do not mean, one person takes something in a certain way that was not intended, people withhold their true feelings, people are too afraid to communicate their true feelings. Relationships present enough struggles as it is...not being able to communicate through those struggles makes the situation so much worse. I can't help but wonder, how would my past relationships have been different if we could only communicate what we feel, and in a constructive way?
I do not agree with the archaic concept of it being a man's job to provide for and protect. Sure it is nice when they do, but women should provide and protect too, and a man is no less of a man if fails to kill himself working and communicating etc.. to provide 5 plasma TVs for his family. BUT, this provider "rule" highly contradicts with the non-communicator aspect of masculinity. To be a good provider, you need to be able to communicate well; both with your family (to keep the family close-knit and happy) and in your job or career. To well at most jobs, you need to be able to communicate with your boss and fellow workers.
How many men have I known that can communicate their feelings and thoughts with me well? Very few. That makes me sad, I know many men that have a lot to offer. Men are worth more than their ability to work or perform. They are worth their thoughts and feelings too. Just as women are.
What would the world be like if we could all positively and effectively communicate our feelings? Just imagine...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Women, Men, Money and Divorce
I just read about a study in Time Newsfeed that found women who earn 60% of the household income were almost 40% more likely to get divorced than women who earn less than their male partners.
The author of the article comments that, for women, more money equals more problems. Is that true? I know many women of my parents generation who have stayed in unhappy marriages because the all too important financial side of life pressured them to. As I mentioned in an earlier post, women's jobs and roles are all too often devalued in our society. Women are also traditionally deemed the caregivers, and women do not want to split up their family and subject children (if they have any) to financial woes. It is damned expensive to provide for a kid. I don't have any but I was one--and I am certain I was crazy expensive! Here, again, gender roles need to be redefined. Women are not naturally good caregivers, and men are not naturally the providers.
My mother has always worked just as hard at her career as my father has. (And come home to cook, clean and take care of us growing up). She has worked passionately her whole life in non-violent education, promoting equal rights for people with disabilities, and k-university level education and development. She also makes a fraction of what my (equally hardworking) father does. He works in "Defense". Contracting, strategizing etc...
In regards to the study, of course the stereotypical questions come up...is the man threatened by his mates success? Does the couple fight more due to the income imbalance?
What about questions about the women? Maybe more money simply equals more stability and security. Maybe without being tied to her husband financially, she is able to assess her relationship, without fearing that she will not be able to make it on her own.
For sure, the topic is complicated and has many levels. Many things no doubt contribute to this social phenomenon.
Does that mean that partnerships where the man makes more money than the woman are more likely to stay together? If yes, what does that imply? That too seems to indicate that money and wealth is associated with men and masculinity. And what if men and women make equal amounts? Consider the results of another study: men and women in partnerships who share equally in household chores report significantly better and more satisfying sex lives. Does it seem logical to assume that partnerships where both earn similar incomes are more satisfied in their relationships? I know I feel much more satisfied being in an equal relationship! It is always an issue if one has more or less education, money, life experiences. I know a strong couple can make it through those inequalities, but maintaining a rewarding relationship is difficult enough, without any addition challenges to work through.
And also...what about gay and lesbian couples? Are they more likely to divorce or separate if one makes more than the other? I wish there was more research for all communities!
The author of the article comments that, for women, more money equals more problems. Is that true? I know many women of my parents generation who have stayed in unhappy marriages because the all too important financial side of life pressured them to. As I mentioned in an earlier post, women's jobs and roles are all too often devalued in our society. Women are also traditionally deemed the caregivers, and women do not want to split up their family and subject children (if they have any) to financial woes. It is damned expensive to provide for a kid. I don't have any but I was one--and I am certain I was crazy expensive! Here, again, gender roles need to be redefined. Women are not naturally good caregivers, and men are not naturally the providers.
My mother has always worked just as hard at her career as my father has. (And come home to cook, clean and take care of us growing up). She has worked passionately her whole life in non-violent education, promoting equal rights for people with disabilities, and k-university level education and development. She also makes a fraction of what my (equally hardworking) father does. He works in "Defense". Contracting, strategizing etc...
In regards to the study, of course the stereotypical questions come up...is the man threatened by his mates success? Does the couple fight more due to the income imbalance?
What about questions about the women? Maybe more money simply equals more stability and security. Maybe without being tied to her husband financially, she is able to assess her relationship, without fearing that she will not be able to make it on her own.
For sure, the topic is complicated and has many levels. Many things no doubt contribute to this social phenomenon.
Does that mean that partnerships where the man makes more money than the woman are more likely to stay together? If yes, what does that imply? That too seems to indicate that money and wealth is associated with men and masculinity. And what if men and women make equal amounts? Consider the results of another study: men and women in partnerships who share equally in household chores report significantly better and more satisfying sex lives. Does it seem logical to assume that partnerships where both earn similar incomes are more satisfied in their relationships? I know I feel much more satisfied being in an equal relationship! It is always an issue if one has more or less education, money, life experiences. I know a strong couple can make it through those inequalities, but maintaining a rewarding relationship is difficult enough, without any addition challenges to work through.
And also...what about gay and lesbian couples? Are they more likely to divorce or separate if one makes more than the other? I wish there was more research for all communities!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Teaching and being taught...
I have found many times over that in order to foster positive growth and change, it is better to do so not with harsh criticism and negativity, but with positive feedback and understanding.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
If it has to be advertised, you do not need it--Why part II
We are bombarded with an absurd amount of advertisements every day.
All of the ads for cleaning products are geared towards women. Thanks for perpetuating the idea that it is (only) a woman's job to clean. And they always make it look so fun and important... "YAY!!! I am just so happy to stand around my kitchen all day smiling and making it all clean and sterilized in order to be the perfect mom/wife!! Yay!!!"
And beauty products for women. I wish I remember who said this remarkably simple sentiment--if it has to be advertised, you do not need it. Look at what products are thrown at women (often only women). I see dozens and dozens of anti-aging product ads every day. They are ALL geared towards women! Men get older too. We all age...isn't that natural? There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but men and women age at the same rate! Why, in our society, is it so wrong for women to age?
Hollywood showcases this imbalance for all to see. So many movies and shows have a middle aged man as the romantic hero/love interest. He is often wrinkled and aged. Graying hair, weathered skin... All too often, his romantic counterpart is "perfect" and quite a bit younger, with no signs of aging. Never a gray hair (unless it is a romance about a 'woman of a certain age' finding love again), always to be caked in makeup and super slim. Didn't you know ladies? Only women who are dress size 2-6 find true love! Blech.
Makeup. We obviously don't need that. Don't get me wrong, it is fun sometimes. For men and women. But everyday? And so much? Foundation and powder...we already have skin! Sure it makes your skin look closer to perfect, but what the hell are we--dolls? Women are beautiful with all their supposed imperfections. Just as men are with all of theirs. Men break out, get age spots, get sunburned etc... Yet they are not expected to cover those things up with makeup.
And what about the celebrity obsession? Why is that so geared toward women? Are women naturally supposed to care about that crap? I am almost inclined to think that women are to be distracted by all of this shit, to keep them from doing more important things. I don't need to be part of the patriarchal world, because I am just too busy shaving my legs, primping, gossiping and reading celebrity gossip online!
No thank you.
Now, to be clear, I do not think there is necessarily anything wrong with those things, but why not men too? Why anyone at all? I know women are better than that. So are men, for that matter.
All of the ads for cleaning products are geared towards women. Thanks for perpetuating the idea that it is (only) a woman's job to clean. And they always make it look so fun and important... "YAY!!! I am just so happy to stand around my kitchen all day smiling and making it all clean and sterilized in order to be the perfect mom/wife!! Yay!!!"
And beauty products for women. I wish I remember who said this remarkably simple sentiment--if it has to be advertised, you do not need it. Look at what products are thrown at women (often only women). I see dozens and dozens of anti-aging product ads every day. They are ALL geared towards women! Men get older too. We all age...isn't that natural? There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but men and women age at the same rate! Why, in our society, is it so wrong for women to age?
Hollywood showcases this imbalance for all to see. So many movies and shows have a middle aged man as the romantic hero/love interest. He is often wrinkled and aged. Graying hair, weathered skin... All too often, his romantic counterpart is "perfect" and quite a bit younger, with no signs of aging. Never a gray hair (unless it is a romance about a 'woman of a certain age' finding love again), always to be caked in makeup and super slim. Didn't you know ladies? Only women who are dress size 2-6 find true love! Blech.
Makeup. We obviously don't need that. Don't get me wrong, it is fun sometimes. For men and women. But everyday? And so much? Foundation and powder...we already have skin! Sure it makes your skin look closer to perfect, but what the hell are we--dolls? Women are beautiful with all their supposed imperfections. Just as men are with all of theirs. Men break out, get age spots, get sunburned etc... Yet they are not expected to cover those things up with makeup.
And what about the celebrity obsession? Why is that so geared toward women? Are women naturally supposed to care about that crap? I am almost inclined to think that women are to be distracted by all of this shit, to keep them from doing more important things. I don't need to be part of the patriarchal world, because I am just too busy shaving my legs, primping, gossiping and reading celebrity gossip online!
No thank you.
Now, to be clear, I do not think there is necessarily anything wrong with those things, but why not men too? Why anyone at all? I know women are better than that. So are men, for that matter.
Monday, August 16, 2010
WHY? When you get an answer, ask WHY again!!!
Growing up, several of my teachers tired of my incessant asking of my favorite question. WHY? I always wanted to to know why, and when I got an unsatisfactory answer, I asked it again.
Annoying, curious kid? Maybe. But I learned a lot. And I learned not to be satisfied with crap answers. And, thinking back over my life, I have heard A LOT of bad answers. So why is asking questions a bad thing? Why do so many teachers/parents/bosses/authority figures adopt the sit-down-and-shut-up/because-I-said-so mentality?
Men, women, feminine and masculine: WHY?
I wish people would start questioning why we do and say certain things, why men and women are expected to BE certain things. If we stray from society tells us to be, we are judged and often punished.
Why, as a woman, am I supposed to shave my legs? Men don't. Why is makeup geared towards women? Do I need lipstick and mascara to be more beautiful? (And don't give me that crap about highlighting my natural beauty). Men don't highlight their natural manliness by putting on jaw-line definer.
Why is it that women sit in a way that makes them smaller? We don't naturally do that. It is not like we are protecting a little nest of bird's eggs. Why can't we sit with our legs open and our arms draped out in a typical-"manly" fashion?
Why are women's' razors so often pink? I am not shaving my My-little-pony! And deodorant...why is deodorant for women in such wussy scents? Morning dew, lilac frost? WTF!?!
Why are men supposed to have deep voices and be aggressive/assertive. Why are positively associated man words things like powerful, strong, provider, assertive and intelligent? Women can certainly be all of those things. And what if men don't want to be or simply are not all of those things? What is so wrong with that? Nothing.
And, societally, we need to be asking the scarier, more important questions too. Why are nearly ALL (not all, but most) rapists men? (yes that question can be answered, but it is not discussed enough amongst the general public)... Why are most serial killers middle-aged white men? Why are most familial abusers men? What things in our patriarchal society contribute to these things being the way they are? Men are NOT naturally more violent. Women are NOT naturally better caregivers. We learn to be all of these things, or to not be all of these things. Most men would never think about raping another human being, and are saddened and horrified that it happens. BUT when it does happen, why are the rapists most often men?
How can we change this? Why is it happening? Why does it keep going on in every country around the world? Why do some people choose to be violent?
I am a woman. I am many things. I choose to wear dresses sometimes. I choose not to wear makeup. I choose to talk when I am angry and not be violent. Gender, manner and actions are my choice. I still have a lot to figure out. And I have to ask many questions in order to get there.
Annoying, curious kid? Maybe. But I learned a lot. And I learned not to be satisfied with crap answers. And, thinking back over my life, I have heard A LOT of bad answers. So why is asking questions a bad thing? Why do so many teachers/parents/bosses/authority figures adopt the sit-down-and-shut-up/because-I-said-so mentality?
Men, women, feminine and masculine: WHY?
I wish people would start questioning why we do and say certain things, why men and women are expected to BE certain things. If we stray from society tells us to be, we are judged and often punished.
Why, as a woman, am I supposed to shave my legs? Men don't. Why is makeup geared towards women? Do I need lipstick and mascara to be more beautiful? (And don't give me that crap about highlighting my natural beauty). Men don't highlight their natural manliness by putting on jaw-line definer.
Why is it that women sit in a way that makes them smaller? We don't naturally do that. It is not like we are protecting a little nest of bird's eggs. Why can't we sit with our legs open and our arms draped out in a typical-"manly" fashion?
Why are women's' razors so often pink? I am not shaving my My-little-pony! And deodorant...why is deodorant for women in such wussy scents? Morning dew, lilac frost? WTF!?!
Why are men supposed to have deep voices and be aggressive/assertive. Why are positively associated man words things like powerful, strong, provider, assertive and intelligent? Women can certainly be all of those things. And what if men don't want to be or simply are not all of those things? What is so wrong with that? Nothing.
And, societally, we need to be asking the scarier, more important questions too. Why are nearly ALL (not all, but most) rapists men? (yes that question can be answered, but it is not discussed enough amongst the general public)... Why are most serial killers middle-aged white men? Why are most familial abusers men? What things in our patriarchal society contribute to these things being the way they are? Men are NOT naturally more violent. Women are NOT naturally better caregivers. We learn to be all of these things, or to not be all of these things. Most men would never think about raping another human being, and are saddened and horrified that it happens. BUT when it does happen, why are the rapists most often men?
How can we change this? Why is it happening? Why does it keep going on in every country around the world? Why do some people choose to be violent?
I am a woman. I am many things. I choose to wear dresses sometimes. I choose not to wear makeup. I choose to talk when I am angry and not be violent. Gender, manner and actions are my choice. I still have a lot to figure out. And I have to ask many questions in order to get there.
Monday, July 5, 2010
5 out of 6...
A few years ago I read something in my relationship counseling class that really struck me. This author said that, for a relationship to be worth it, 5 out of every 6 experiences with that person should be positive ones.
My first thought was Wow. That is ridiculous. Who can have 5 out of every 6 experiences be positive? Not realistic at all.
Then I started to think about it some more. Is 4 out of 6 a bit more reasonable? Hmmm... 2/3 is getting dangerously close to half. And what if only half of the experiences with another person are positive? That is pretty pathetic.. at those odds you could practically pick a random person off the street and have as good a chance at having a successful relationship!
Now don't get me wrong, I think you have to work and invest in all your relationships, but so does the other person. I am starting to think the 5 out of 6 idea is not so bad...
My first thought was Wow. That is ridiculous. Who can have 5 out of every 6 experiences be positive? Not realistic at all.
Then I started to think about it some more. Is 4 out of 6 a bit more reasonable? Hmmm... 2/3 is getting dangerously close to half. And what if only half of the experiences with another person are positive? That is pretty pathetic.. at those odds you could practically pick a random person off the street and have as good a chance at having a successful relationship!
Now don't get me wrong, I think you have to work and invest in all your relationships, but so does the other person. I am starting to think the 5 out of 6 idea is not so bad...
The F Word (and why we need more of it in our lives)
Feminism. Ha—gotcha! The term confuses people at best, and alienates them and shuts them down (or just plain angers them) at worst. For a minute, let’s ignore the few and far between extremist, "man-hating" feminists that give feminism a bad name. Let’s work under the assumption that the goal of feminism is simply the desire to achieve a world where men and women, masculine and feminine, are valued equally. Gender awareness is not just about women. It involves men too. Men and women suffer from the roles they are expected to fill in society. If the world is going to change in that direction, men and women must be involved. But why should men care? When you are in a position of privilege and power, why should you see the issue, why should you care about the issue? Why would you want things to change?
In order to answer that question, let’s look not at what men will lose if women are valued equally in society, but what they will gain.
Why can’t adjectives like caring, loving and emotional be masculine traits as well as feminine ones? Why can’t a man embody all of these traits and still be masculine? So many rewards come from having these attributes, from being these things.
Think of our parent’s generation. The fathers, OUR fathers, went to work all day, making money to provide for the family. Growing up, I had little emotional bond with my father. I never saw him, and when I did he was tired and cranky from working all day at a job he most likely did not enjoy. Rightfully so--he often spent 4 hours a day commuting from D.C. He made a good living (which means he made good money). But what does it really mean to make a good living? Why do we value making money, having a nice, i.e. expensive, house, a nice car, a huge grill out in the huge backyard so much? Is that what a good living is all about?
Our relationships suffer from this materialistic mindset and from our ever persistent, strict gender roles. What we consider to be masculine and feminine has a huge impact on our happiness and quality of life.
Growing up, I had such a wonderful relationship with my mother. She worked outside the home, just as many hours and just as hard as my father did. But when she was home, she took the role of caregiver to heart. She laughed with us, she spent time with us reading and playing. She hugged us when we got hurt or teased. She made cookies with us. She kissed us when we went to bed. My brother and I loved her so much for these things. Each of us got fulfillment out of this time spent together. To a kid, there is nothing more satisfying, more joyful, than a parent who puts a Band-Aid on your knee, reads you your favorite story and tells you “I love you” right before you fall asleep.
Yes, in order to survive and to be happy and healthy, you need income to provide for your family. But when society deems being a “responsible provider” only in terms of money and what it can buy you, everyone involved misses out on a key element. To me, nothing can ever surpass having quality relationships. Yes, I enjoy going out to dinner, going on vacations, going to the movies. But what I value even more, is who I do all of those things with.
By telling men that they have to provide income and shelter for their families, and valuing that role the way society does, men miss out on the other side of family life. Yes, it is a noble thing to do a hard day’s work and come home exhausted, just to provide a meal and roof over your family’s heads, but it is also a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with that family you are providing for. A man should get satisfaction out of his job, but there is also an endless amount of joy and satisfaction to be had for having a good relationship with your child and your partner.
Thankfully, in the last few generations, women have been able to get the satisfaction of working and providing for their families and themselves. But in many ways, they have just been thrust into the man’s world. Why do men and women have to choose one or the other? All types of roles, whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine, should be valued equally. It is a great thing to go out and earn a living, but it is an even better thing to enjoy and nurture the relationships you are working to provide for. What are you working for anyway?
In order to answer that question, let’s look not at what men will lose if women are valued equally in society, but what they will gain.
Why can’t adjectives like caring, loving and emotional be masculine traits as well as feminine ones? Why can’t a man embody all of these traits and still be masculine? So many rewards come from having these attributes, from being these things.
Think of our parent’s generation. The fathers, OUR fathers, went to work all day, making money to provide for the family. Growing up, I had little emotional bond with my father. I never saw him, and when I did he was tired and cranky from working all day at a job he most likely did not enjoy. Rightfully so--he often spent 4 hours a day commuting from D.C. He made a good living (which means he made good money). But what does it really mean to make a good living? Why do we value making money, having a nice, i.e. expensive, house, a nice car, a huge grill out in the huge backyard so much? Is that what a good living is all about?
Our relationships suffer from this materialistic mindset and from our ever persistent, strict gender roles. What we consider to be masculine and feminine has a huge impact on our happiness and quality of life.
Growing up, I had such a wonderful relationship with my mother. She worked outside the home, just as many hours and just as hard as my father did. But when she was home, she took the role of caregiver to heart. She laughed with us, she spent time with us reading and playing. She hugged us when we got hurt or teased. She made cookies with us. She kissed us when we went to bed. My brother and I loved her so much for these things. Each of us got fulfillment out of this time spent together. To a kid, there is nothing more satisfying, more joyful, than a parent who puts a Band-Aid on your knee, reads you your favorite story and tells you “I love you” right before you fall asleep.
Yes, in order to survive and to be happy and healthy, you need income to provide for your family. But when society deems being a “responsible provider” only in terms of money and what it can buy you, everyone involved misses out on a key element. To me, nothing can ever surpass having quality relationships. Yes, I enjoy going out to dinner, going on vacations, going to the movies. But what I value even more, is who I do all of those things with.
By telling men that they have to provide income and shelter for their families, and valuing that role the way society does, men miss out on the other side of family life. Yes, it is a noble thing to do a hard day’s work and come home exhausted, just to provide a meal and roof over your family’s heads, but it is also a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with that family you are providing for. A man should get satisfaction out of his job, but there is also an endless amount of joy and satisfaction to be had for having a good relationship with your child and your partner.
Thankfully, in the last few generations, women have been able to get the satisfaction of working and providing for their families and themselves. But in many ways, they have just been thrust into the man’s world. Why do men and women have to choose one or the other? All types of roles, whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine, should be valued equally. It is a great thing to go out and earn a living, but it is an even better thing to enjoy and nurture the relationships you are working to provide for. What are you working for anyway?
Relationship Advice?!? WTF.
Sigh. There is so much crap out there when it comes to advice on relationships. And have you noticed, it is almost ALWAYS geared toward women. How to get your man to fall in love all over again. How to keep your man happy. How to know if your man is cheating. How you (read: you woman) are causing harm to your relationships. Even an article on what (supposedly) real women expect from men turned out to be an eye-rolling filled disappointment.
Why do we make it so freakin’ complicated? Why is it that almost all relationship advice is geared towards women? Aren’t men in relationships too? Shouldn’t they, too, be concerned with forging and keeping healthy relationships? Can there ever really be any “rules” for dating? No two people are the same, so for sure; no two pairs of people are the same. Besides rules like ‘if someone treats you like crap all the time, you should probably leave them’ and ‘the best way to earn a partner’s trust is to actually act in a manner that deserves trust’, why are we all so eager to fit our relationships into a socially defined mould and listen to the random-yet-abundant relationship advice of others?
So, here I am telling you it is probably not the best idea to follow the often hare-brained and complicated relationship guidance of others. If you want to quit cold turkey you might want to stop reading now. It’s okay. I would be half-way pleased that you took my advice.
Ok. I guess you decided to stay out of sheer boredom or (just maybe) the fact that I struck a chord with you. I will even settle for bringing a smile to your face. So here is my take on relationships: (slightly anti-climactic drum roll please) what is the best way to find someone you are actually compatible with, who you will be able to have a worthwhile relationship? Stop focusing on finding/getting them. Go out and be the best damned you you can be. Go back to school. Travel. Go hiking. Take a cooking class you have always wanted to take. Volunteer somewhere. When you work on being the best you can be, something incredible happens…you start to really like who you are, you become fun and interesting to yourself. When this seemingly simple thing happens, others notice it too. When you are doing what you love, you are bound to meet other people who love the same things as you do. And when you are happy with yourself for who you are, it opens the doors for another person to be happy with the real you too.
To me it seems like common sense, although it was certainly not always like that for me. I have dated a lot. And I mean a lot. And for the most part it has been fun. I try to take something positive with me from every relationship. Granted, some of those involved a very liberal definition of relationship, but that is okay. I learned a lot about myself and others—I learned what I wanted and needed out a partner, and what I did NOT want and need. I also learned what I could give and what I couldn’t, and learned many ways in which I needed to grow up—and don’t get me wrong, I am still learning many ways in which I need to grow up…it is a lifelong process!
I have gone through many phases is my relatively short life. There have been many ups and downs—with jobs, school, health, relationships… As I have gotten older, I have learned to roll with the punches, learned to be confident and have tried to make myself into a person that I can be proud of. I still have many mistakes left to make, and hopefully learn from, but overall I am happy with who I am. This process has allowed me to get better and better each time when it comes to relationships and in finding partners who are loving and worthwhile.
Ok…that is enough of the rambling-journal-blah-blah-blah. Summing it up: it is not so complicated. Men and women want fulfilling, caring relationships, and both men and women have to work to keep those relationships going. Just be yourself and be happy with who you are. If you are not happy with yourself, no one else will be able to be either. And even if you don’t immediately find your ideal mate, you can learn to love yourself and have a lot of fun along the way. To me, that is worth it.
Why do we make it so freakin’ complicated? Why is it that almost all relationship advice is geared towards women? Aren’t men in relationships too? Shouldn’t they, too, be concerned with forging and keeping healthy relationships? Can there ever really be any “rules” for dating? No two people are the same, so for sure; no two pairs of people are the same. Besides rules like ‘if someone treats you like crap all the time, you should probably leave them’ and ‘the best way to earn a partner’s trust is to actually act in a manner that deserves trust’, why are we all so eager to fit our relationships into a socially defined mould and listen to the random-yet-abundant relationship advice of others?
So, here I am telling you it is probably not the best idea to follow the often hare-brained and complicated relationship guidance of others. If you want to quit cold turkey you might want to stop reading now. It’s okay. I would be half-way pleased that you took my advice.
Ok. I guess you decided to stay out of sheer boredom or (just maybe) the fact that I struck a chord with you. I will even settle for bringing a smile to your face. So here is my take on relationships: (slightly anti-climactic drum roll please) what is the best way to find someone you are actually compatible with, who you will be able to have a worthwhile relationship? Stop focusing on finding/getting them. Go out and be the best damned you you can be. Go back to school. Travel. Go hiking. Take a cooking class you have always wanted to take. Volunteer somewhere. When you work on being the best you can be, something incredible happens…you start to really like who you are, you become fun and interesting to yourself. When this seemingly simple thing happens, others notice it too. When you are doing what you love, you are bound to meet other people who love the same things as you do. And when you are happy with yourself for who you are, it opens the doors for another person to be happy with the real you too.
To me it seems like common sense, although it was certainly not always like that for me. I have dated a lot. And I mean a lot. And for the most part it has been fun. I try to take something positive with me from every relationship. Granted, some of those involved a very liberal definition of relationship, but that is okay. I learned a lot about myself and others—I learned what I wanted and needed out a partner, and what I did NOT want and need. I also learned what I could give and what I couldn’t, and learned many ways in which I needed to grow up—and don’t get me wrong, I am still learning many ways in which I need to grow up…it is a lifelong process!
I have gone through many phases is my relatively short life. There have been many ups and downs—with jobs, school, health, relationships… As I have gotten older, I have learned to roll with the punches, learned to be confident and have tried to make myself into a person that I can be proud of. I still have many mistakes left to make, and hopefully learn from, but overall I am happy with who I am. This process has allowed me to get better and better each time when it comes to relationships and in finding partners who are loving and worthwhile.
Ok…that is enough of the rambling-journal-blah-blah-blah. Summing it up: it is not so complicated. Men and women want fulfilling, caring relationships, and both men and women have to work to keep those relationships going. Just be yourself and be happy with who you are. If you are not happy with yourself, no one else will be able to be either. And even if you don’t immediately find your ideal mate, you can learn to love yourself and have a lot of fun along the way. To me, that is worth it.
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