This afternoon in the car, someone very close to me asked me, "...well, how many men do you know that are good communicators?" (This someone happens to be a man himself, and he also happens to be one of the best male communicators I have ever known).
Okay, so anyway... Excellent question. My answer: sadly, not very many at all.
Why is that? Communication is a vital aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.
A person is much more likely to be successful in a career if they are a good communicator. True, talking is not the only way to communicate--but for sure we, as humans, pride ourselves on rational thought and feeling. And rational thought and feelings are absolutely pointless if they cannot be communicated. Every great idea that graced the mind of people has either been shared or lost forever within the mind of its creator.
So, doesn't it seem to be a major setback for a man to not be a good communicator? Please do not get me wrong--being a woman does not make you a good communicator, and being a man does mean you are a bad one. In the nature versus nurture argument my see-saw tends to plunk down on the nurture side.
What is it? Does our society not value that skill in men? Are they socialized to see communication as a bad thing...or simply not valued?
Why are women labeled the communicators? Why are we seen as the talkers? Yes, I think a person can talk too much, but I also think that a person can talk too little. And plenty of people have trouble communicating in a positive, effective way.
My personal examples: (no names, no relationship details, but men I have known and cared about for a long time) Man 1--He is a great person, smart and caring. But very difficult to talk with deeply. Once every 2 or 3 months, he will open open up and we will have a great conversation for hours and hours. Then the communication window closes and you must wait patiently till it opens again. If you try to get him to open up at other times, he gets bothered.
Man 2--He shows his love by buying things and planning trips. He gets angry very easily and often says very mean and hurtful things out of anger. He says I love you, but can't really communicate it in any other way. He shows love by being a provider, not by communicating feelings.
Man 3--He does not like to fight, but when he does, he gets incredibly angry, mean and hurtful. The other 99% of the time, he avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. It just builds up in him until it explodes in a very destructive way.
Man 4--He keeps nearly all of his feelings to himself. What affection he can communicate is nearly entirely through his actions. When he is angry,even over something extremely important, he does not deal with it, he will just leave the situation--often forever.
All of these men are really good people that I love or have loved. I am happy we are all different and I know not everyone communicates in the same way. I just wish these men could have communicated with me differently, more positively, more effectively. So many problems in my relationships have been due to miscommunication...one person says something they do not mean, one person takes something in a certain way that was not intended, people withhold their true feelings, people are too afraid to communicate their true feelings. Relationships present enough struggles as it is...not being able to communicate through those struggles makes the situation so much worse. I can't help but wonder, how would my past relationships have been different if we could only communicate what we feel, and in a constructive way?
I do not agree with the archaic concept of it being a man's job to provide for and protect. Sure it is nice when they do, but women should provide and protect too, and a man is no less of a man if fails to kill himself working and communicating etc.. to provide 5 plasma TVs for his family. BUT, this provider "rule" highly contradicts with the non-communicator aspect of masculinity. To be a good provider, you need to be able to communicate well; both with your family (to keep the family close-knit and happy) and in your job or career. To well at most jobs, you need to be able to communicate with your boss and fellow workers.
How many men have I known that can communicate their feelings and thoughts with me well? Very few. That makes me sad, I know many men that have a lot to offer. Men are worth more than their ability to work or perform. They are worth their thoughts and feelings too. Just as women are.
What would the world be like if we could all positively and effectively communicate our feelings? Just imagine...
I really liked how you named the title! So many women complain, criticize and even exclude men from the general category of a "man" who are as they say whiny, too emotional, not a man like and too talkative.Here comes that sometimes women stifle men's feelings from freely expressing them. We are all juggling in this crazy patriarchy!
ReplyDeleteI like how you point out the necessity of being a good comunicator both in your job and in your family, clarifying that communication is more then just talking. It is to the same extent the ability to listen. Hearing about your past comunicational experiences, it is not suprising that the level of inner company efficiency rises with the number of women employed on higher management levels. Sadly the stereotypical male rolemodel in business seems too often still to be caught in the past. As no one becomes a good communicator overnight, I hope that my generation's men will learn from their dad's shortcommings and can be their kids good examples of good communicators in order to once and for all end this gender imbalance and serve for a better communication both at work and at home. It is important that these issues are addressed and by your blog you definatly add to betterment. Do not stop writing and I look forward to read new posts from you soon. Thanks for the input which helps to discover your own limitations sometimes as well. Mach weiter so!
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