Feminism. Ha—gotcha! The term confuses people at best, and alienates them and shuts them down (or just plain angers them) at worst. For a minute, let’s ignore the few and far between extremist, "man-hating" feminists that give feminism a bad name. Let’s work under the assumption that the goal of feminism is simply the desire to achieve a world where men and women, masculine and feminine, are valued equally. Gender awareness is not just about women. It involves men too. Men and women suffer from the roles they are expected to fill in society. If the world is going to change in that direction, men and women must be involved. But why should men care? When you are in a position of privilege and power, why should you see the issue, why should you care about the issue? Why would you want things to change?
In order to answer that question, let’s look not at what men will lose if women are valued equally in society, but what they will gain.
Why can’t adjectives like caring, loving and emotional be masculine traits as well as feminine ones? Why can’t a man embody all of these traits and still be masculine? So many rewards come from having these attributes, from being these things.
Think of our parent’s generation. The fathers, OUR fathers, went to work all day, making money to provide for the family. Growing up, I had little emotional bond with my father. I never saw him, and when I did he was tired and cranky from working all day at a job he most likely did not enjoy. Rightfully so--he often spent 4 hours a day commuting from D.C. He made a good living (which means he made good money). But what does it really mean to make a good living? Why do we value making money, having a nice, i.e. expensive, house, a nice car, a huge grill out in the huge backyard so much? Is that what a good living is all about?
Our relationships suffer from this materialistic mindset and from our ever persistent, strict gender roles. What we consider to be masculine and feminine has a huge impact on our happiness and quality of life.
Growing up, I had such a wonderful relationship with my mother. She worked outside the home, just as many hours and just as hard as my father did. But when she was home, she took the role of caregiver to heart. She laughed with us, she spent time with us reading and playing. She hugged us when we got hurt or teased. She made cookies with us. She kissed us when we went to bed. My brother and I loved her so much for these things. Each of us got fulfillment out of this time spent together. To a kid, there is nothing more satisfying, more joyful, than a parent who puts a Band-Aid on your knee, reads you your favorite story and tells you “I love you” right before you fall asleep.
Yes, in order to survive and to be happy and healthy, you need income to provide for your family. But when society deems being a “responsible provider” only in terms of money and what it can buy you, everyone involved misses out on a key element. To me, nothing can ever surpass having quality relationships. Yes, I enjoy going out to dinner, going on vacations, going to the movies. But what I value even more, is who I do all of those things with.
By telling men that they have to provide income and shelter for their families, and valuing that role the way society does, men miss out on the other side of family life. Yes, it is a noble thing to do a hard day’s work and come home exhausted, just to provide a meal and roof over your family’s heads, but it is also a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with that family you are providing for. A man should get satisfaction out of his job, but there is also an endless amount of joy and satisfaction to be had for having a good relationship with your child and your partner.
Thankfully, in the last few generations, women have been able to get the satisfaction of working and providing for their families and themselves. But in many ways, they have just been thrust into the man’s world. Why do men and women have to choose one or the other? All types of roles, whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine, should be valued equally. It is a great thing to go out and earn a living, but it is an even better thing to enjoy and nurture the relationships you are working to provide for. What are you working for anyway?
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