A few years ago I read something in my relationship counseling class that really struck me. This author said that, for a relationship to be worth it, 5 out of every 6 experiences with that person should be positive ones.
My first thought was Wow. That is ridiculous. Who can have 5 out of every 6 experiences be positive? Not realistic at all.
Then I started to think about it some more. Is 4 out of 6 a bit more reasonable? Hmmm... 2/3 is getting dangerously close to half. And what if only half of the experiences with another person are positive? That is pretty pathetic.. at those odds you could practically pick a random person off the street and have as good a chance at having a successful relationship!
Now don't get me wrong, I think you have to work and invest in all your relationships, but so does the other person. I am starting to think the 5 out of 6 idea is not so bad...
Monday, July 5, 2010
The F Word (and why we need more of it in our lives)
Feminism. Ha—gotcha! The term confuses people at best, and alienates them and shuts them down (or just plain angers them) at worst. For a minute, let’s ignore the few and far between extremist, "man-hating" feminists that give feminism a bad name. Let’s work under the assumption that the goal of feminism is simply the desire to achieve a world where men and women, masculine and feminine, are valued equally. Gender awareness is not just about women. It involves men too. Men and women suffer from the roles they are expected to fill in society. If the world is going to change in that direction, men and women must be involved. But why should men care? When you are in a position of privilege and power, why should you see the issue, why should you care about the issue? Why would you want things to change?
In order to answer that question, let’s look not at what men will lose if women are valued equally in society, but what they will gain.
Why can’t adjectives like caring, loving and emotional be masculine traits as well as feminine ones? Why can’t a man embody all of these traits and still be masculine? So many rewards come from having these attributes, from being these things.
Think of our parent’s generation. The fathers, OUR fathers, went to work all day, making money to provide for the family. Growing up, I had little emotional bond with my father. I never saw him, and when I did he was tired and cranky from working all day at a job he most likely did not enjoy. Rightfully so--he often spent 4 hours a day commuting from D.C. He made a good living (which means he made good money). But what does it really mean to make a good living? Why do we value making money, having a nice, i.e. expensive, house, a nice car, a huge grill out in the huge backyard so much? Is that what a good living is all about?
Our relationships suffer from this materialistic mindset and from our ever persistent, strict gender roles. What we consider to be masculine and feminine has a huge impact on our happiness and quality of life.
Growing up, I had such a wonderful relationship with my mother. She worked outside the home, just as many hours and just as hard as my father did. But when she was home, she took the role of caregiver to heart. She laughed with us, she spent time with us reading and playing. She hugged us when we got hurt or teased. She made cookies with us. She kissed us when we went to bed. My brother and I loved her so much for these things. Each of us got fulfillment out of this time spent together. To a kid, there is nothing more satisfying, more joyful, than a parent who puts a Band-Aid on your knee, reads you your favorite story and tells you “I love you” right before you fall asleep.
Yes, in order to survive and to be happy and healthy, you need income to provide for your family. But when society deems being a “responsible provider” only in terms of money and what it can buy you, everyone involved misses out on a key element. To me, nothing can ever surpass having quality relationships. Yes, I enjoy going out to dinner, going on vacations, going to the movies. But what I value even more, is who I do all of those things with.
By telling men that they have to provide income and shelter for their families, and valuing that role the way society does, men miss out on the other side of family life. Yes, it is a noble thing to do a hard day’s work and come home exhausted, just to provide a meal and roof over your family’s heads, but it is also a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with that family you are providing for. A man should get satisfaction out of his job, but there is also an endless amount of joy and satisfaction to be had for having a good relationship with your child and your partner.
Thankfully, in the last few generations, women have been able to get the satisfaction of working and providing for their families and themselves. But in many ways, they have just been thrust into the man’s world. Why do men and women have to choose one or the other? All types of roles, whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine, should be valued equally. It is a great thing to go out and earn a living, but it is an even better thing to enjoy and nurture the relationships you are working to provide for. What are you working for anyway?
In order to answer that question, let’s look not at what men will lose if women are valued equally in society, but what they will gain.
Why can’t adjectives like caring, loving and emotional be masculine traits as well as feminine ones? Why can’t a man embody all of these traits and still be masculine? So many rewards come from having these attributes, from being these things.
Think of our parent’s generation. The fathers, OUR fathers, went to work all day, making money to provide for the family. Growing up, I had little emotional bond with my father. I never saw him, and when I did he was tired and cranky from working all day at a job he most likely did not enjoy. Rightfully so--he often spent 4 hours a day commuting from D.C. He made a good living (which means he made good money). But what does it really mean to make a good living? Why do we value making money, having a nice, i.e. expensive, house, a nice car, a huge grill out in the huge backyard so much? Is that what a good living is all about?
Our relationships suffer from this materialistic mindset and from our ever persistent, strict gender roles. What we consider to be masculine and feminine has a huge impact on our happiness and quality of life.
Growing up, I had such a wonderful relationship with my mother. She worked outside the home, just as many hours and just as hard as my father did. But when she was home, she took the role of caregiver to heart. She laughed with us, she spent time with us reading and playing. She hugged us when we got hurt or teased. She made cookies with us. She kissed us when we went to bed. My brother and I loved her so much for these things. Each of us got fulfillment out of this time spent together. To a kid, there is nothing more satisfying, more joyful, than a parent who puts a Band-Aid on your knee, reads you your favorite story and tells you “I love you” right before you fall asleep.
Yes, in order to survive and to be happy and healthy, you need income to provide for your family. But when society deems being a “responsible provider” only in terms of money and what it can buy you, everyone involved misses out on a key element. To me, nothing can ever surpass having quality relationships. Yes, I enjoy going out to dinner, going on vacations, going to the movies. But what I value even more, is who I do all of those things with.
By telling men that they have to provide income and shelter for their families, and valuing that role the way society does, men miss out on the other side of family life. Yes, it is a noble thing to do a hard day’s work and come home exhausted, just to provide a meal and roof over your family’s heads, but it is also a wonderful thing to have a good relationship with that family you are providing for. A man should get satisfaction out of his job, but there is also an endless amount of joy and satisfaction to be had for having a good relationship with your child and your partner.
Thankfully, in the last few generations, women have been able to get the satisfaction of working and providing for their families and themselves. But in many ways, they have just been thrust into the man’s world. Why do men and women have to choose one or the other? All types of roles, whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine, should be valued equally. It is a great thing to go out and earn a living, but it is an even better thing to enjoy and nurture the relationships you are working to provide for. What are you working for anyway?
Relationship Advice?!? WTF.
Sigh. There is so much crap out there when it comes to advice on relationships. And have you noticed, it is almost ALWAYS geared toward women. How to get your man to fall in love all over again. How to keep your man happy. How to know if your man is cheating. How you (read: you woman) are causing harm to your relationships. Even an article on what (supposedly) real women expect from men turned out to be an eye-rolling filled disappointment.
Why do we make it so freakin’ complicated? Why is it that almost all relationship advice is geared towards women? Aren’t men in relationships too? Shouldn’t they, too, be concerned with forging and keeping healthy relationships? Can there ever really be any “rules” for dating? No two people are the same, so for sure; no two pairs of people are the same. Besides rules like ‘if someone treats you like crap all the time, you should probably leave them’ and ‘the best way to earn a partner’s trust is to actually act in a manner that deserves trust’, why are we all so eager to fit our relationships into a socially defined mould and listen to the random-yet-abundant relationship advice of others?
So, here I am telling you it is probably not the best idea to follow the often hare-brained and complicated relationship guidance of others. If you want to quit cold turkey you might want to stop reading now. It’s okay. I would be half-way pleased that you took my advice.
Ok. I guess you decided to stay out of sheer boredom or (just maybe) the fact that I struck a chord with you. I will even settle for bringing a smile to your face. So here is my take on relationships: (slightly anti-climactic drum roll please) what is the best way to find someone you are actually compatible with, who you will be able to have a worthwhile relationship? Stop focusing on finding/getting them. Go out and be the best damned you you can be. Go back to school. Travel. Go hiking. Take a cooking class you have always wanted to take. Volunteer somewhere. When you work on being the best you can be, something incredible happens…you start to really like who you are, you become fun and interesting to yourself. When this seemingly simple thing happens, others notice it too. When you are doing what you love, you are bound to meet other people who love the same things as you do. And when you are happy with yourself for who you are, it opens the doors for another person to be happy with the real you too.
To me it seems like common sense, although it was certainly not always like that for me. I have dated a lot. And I mean a lot. And for the most part it has been fun. I try to take something positive with me from every relationship. Granted, some of those involved a very liberal definition of relationship, but that is okay. I learned a lot about myself and others—I learned what I wanted and needed out a partner, and what I did NOT want and need. I also learned what I could give and what I couldn’t, and learned many ways in which I needed to grow up—and don’t get me wrong, I am still learning many ways in which I need to grow up…it is a lifelong process!
I have gone through many phases is my relatively short life. There have been many ups and downs—with jobs, school, health, relationships… As I have gotten older, I have learned to roll with the punches, learned to be confident and have tried to make myself into a person that I can be proud of. I still have many mistakes left to make, and hopefully learn from, but overall I am happy with who I am. This process has allowed me to get better and better each time when it comes to relationships and in finding partners who are loving and worthwhile.
Ok…that is enough of the rambling-journal-blah-blah-blah. Summing it up: it is not so complicated. Men and women want fulfilling, caring relationships, and both men and women have to work to keep those relationships going. Just be yourself and be happy with who you are. If you are not happy with yourself, no one else will be able to be either. And even if you don’t immediately find your ideal mate, you can learn to love yourself and have a lot of fun along the way. To me, that is worth it.
Why do we make it so freakin’ complicated? Why is it that almost all relationship advice is geared towards women? Aren’t men in relationships too? Shouldn’t they, too, be concerned with forging and keeping healthy relationships? Can there ever really be any “rules” for dating? No two people are the same, so for sure; no two pairs of people are the same. Besides rules like ‘if someone treats you like crap all the time, you should probably leave them’ and ‘the best way to earn a partner’s trust is to actually act in a manner that deserves trust’, why are we all so eager to fit our relationships into a socially defined mould and listen to the random-yet-abundant relationship advice of others?
So, here I am telling you it is probably not the best idea to follow the often hare-brained and complicated relationship guidance of others. If you want to quit cold turkey you might want to stop reading now. It’s okay. I would be half-way pleased that you took my advice.
Ok. I guess you decided to stay out of sheer boredom or (just maybe) the fact that I struck a chord with you. I will even settle for bringing a smile to your face. So here is my take on relationships: (slightly anti-climactic drum roll please) what is the best way to find someone you are actually compatible with, who you will be able to have a worthwhile relationship? Stop focusing on finding/getting them. Go out and be the best damned you you can be. Go back to school. Travel. Go hiking. Take a cooking class you have always wanted to take. Volunteer somewhere. When you work on being the best you can be, something incredible happens…you start to really like who you are, you become fun and interesting to yourself. When this seemingly simple thing happens, others notice it too. When you are doing what you love, you are bound to meet other people who love the same things as you do. And when you are happy with yourself for who you are, it opens the doors for another person to be happy with the real you too.
To me it seems like common sense, although it was certainly not always like that for me. I have dated a lot. And I mean a lot. And for the most part it has been fun. I try to take something positive with me from every relationship. Granted, some of those involved a very liberal definition of relationship, but that is okay. I learned a lot about myself and others—I learned what I wanted and needed out a partner, and what I did NOT want and need. I also learned what I could give and what I couldn’t, and learned many ways in which I needed to grow up—and don’t get me wrong, I am still learning many ways in which I need to grow up…it is a lifelong process!
I have gone through many phases is my relatively short life. There have been many ups and downs—with jobs, school, health, relationships… As I have gotten older, I have learned to roll with the punches, learned to be confident and have tried to make myself into a person that I can be proud of. I still have many mistakes left to make, and hopefully learn from, but overall I am happy with who I am. This process has allowed me to get better and better each time when it comes to relationships and in finding partners who are loving and worthwhile.
Ok…that is enough of the rambling-journal-blah-blah-blah. Summing it up: it is not so complicated. Men and women want fulfilling, caring relationships, and both men and women have to work to keep those relationships going. Just be yourself and be happy with who you are. If you are not happy with yourself, no one else will be able to be either. And even if you don’t immediately find your ideal mate, you can learn to love yourself and have a lot of fun along the way. To me, that is worth it.
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