I just signed a petition that opposes censorship of the internet. Feel like signing? http://www.mozilla.org/sopa/?WT.mc_id=strike
Wait, where do we live again? I thought it was the United States, a place that values freedom of speech and expression. What GOOD are you doing for the people of this country?
Instead of taking away our rights and diminishing our chance at a life where we have our needs met and our dreams within reach, why don't you start looking out for us? Why are you representing us if you do not try to make our lives BETTER, not worse?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
WHY WE ARE NOT EQUAL: Gender Role Reversal
So many U.S. Americans are under the impression that women and men are equal. ‘Sure, we had that women’s lib thing, right?’ Yet women are still used to sell everything from cars to beer to music to you name it. I am not the first to be disgusted by the Stella Artois ad, but just in case you haven’t seen it, here it is.
Every ad for cleaning supplies shows happy mom looking thrilled to give the kitchen counters or bathroom a good twice over, as in these ads here and here.
Go into any sex shop and you will be bombarded by clothing that makes women look “sexy” and a plethora of porn that degrades women. The only clothing in sex shops for men is usually of the ridiculous variety. Yeah, I laughed when I first saw the elephant nose man-thong. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all in favor of exploring and having a healthy sex life, I just fundamentally disagree with the gender inequities that exist in the sex market.
Women still get in free or cheaper than men at most nightclubs. Sure, there are a fair amount of strip clubs that showcase male dancers, but hands down, the supply is for female-dancer nightclubs. The majority of pornographic magazines feature and objectify women and are geared towards men.
Girls and young women still wear tiny skirts and tank tops to school or out on the town and get plenty of attention for it.
Just imagine a world where everything is reversed... I mean everything. Can you? Men wear low cut tops so they can snag a raise or grab the attention of potential employers. Women are the vast majority of business and land owners worldwide. 1 out of every 4 men you know has been sexually assaulted. You read in the paper about a young man in the military getting gang raped, left tied up in a dormitory and then refused medical treatment, only to be shamed and blamed by his peers when stepping forward. Men in refugee camps are afraid to go to the bathrooms at night because they are in serious danger of getting raped or attacked.
Families across the world must sell their young sons into slavery in order to survive. The bulk of the world’s multi-billion dollar cosmetics industry is geared towards men. Men are slowly but surely becoming the prominent group of university students in the U.S. for the first time in our nation’s history. Women can, for the most part, walk freely anywhere at any time without ever worrying that they might be attacked or raped. There are men in every country in the world that must sell their sex to survive or ensure the survival of their family.
Women can have as many sexual partners as they choose whereas men get labeled slut or prostitute if they have more than a few or sometimes even just one partner. Men get pregnant and have to deal with EVERYTHING that that implies. They must put chemicals in their bodies if they want to prevent pregnancy. They are often forced get illegal abortions and end up ill, hospitalized or worse. Young men get disowned from their family and are forced into poverty after they get pregnant out of wedlock.
Women are the primary group that commits rape, murder and incest. They are also the ones that make and enforce the majority of laws worldwide.
It seems ridiculous, right? It is atrocious to think of a world that is like that. Yet, when you switch the roles to how they actually ARE, it seems commonplace. That is just how the world is. Well that is not good enough. We are still not equal, and if you think we are, or that it doesn’t matter, you are playing with fire and just plain delusional.
Every ad for cleaning supplies shows happy mom looking thrilled to give the kitchen counters or bathroom a good twice over, as in these ads here and here.
Go into any sex shop and you will be bombarded by clothing that makes women look “sexy” and a plethora of porn that degrades women. The only clothing in sex shops for men is usually of the ridiculous variety. Yeah, I laughed when I first saw the elephant nose man-thong. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all in favor of exploring and having a healthy sex life, I just fundamentally disagree with the gender inequities that exist in the sex market.
Women still get in free or cheaper than men at most nightclubs. Sure, there are a fair amount of strip clubs that showcase male dancers, but hands down, the supply is for female-dancer nightclubs. The majority of pornographic magazines feature and objectify women and are geared towards men.
Girls and young women still wear tiny skirts and tank tops to school or out on the town and get plenty of attention for it.
Just imagine a world where everything is reversed... I mean everything. Can you? Men wear low cut tops so they can snag a raise or grab the attention of potential employers. Women are the vast majority of business and land owners worldwide. 1 out of every 4 men you know has been sexually assaulted. You read in the paper about a young man in the military getting gang raped, left tied up in a dormitory and then refused medical treatment, only to be shamed and blamed by his peers when stepping forward. Men in refugee camps are afraid to go to the bathrooms at night because they are in serious danger of getting raped or attacked.
Families across the world must sell their young sons into slavery in order to survive. The bulk of the world’s multi-billion dollar cosmetics industry is geared towards men. Men are slowly but surely becoming the prominent group of university students in the U.S. for the first time in our nation’s history. Women can, for the most part, walk freely anywhere at any time without ever worrying that they might be attacked or raped. There are men in every country in the world that must sell their sex to survive or ensure the survival of their family.
Women can have as many sexual partners as they choose whereas men get labeled slut or prostitute if they have more than a few or sometimes even just one partner. Men get pregnant and have to deal with EVERYTHING that that implies. They must put chemicals in their bodies if they want to prevent pregnancy. They are often forced get illegal abortions and end up ill, hospitalized or worse. Young men get disowned from their family and are forced into poverty after they get pregnant out of wedlock.
Women are the primary group that commits rape, murder and incest. They are also the ones that make and enforce the majority of laws worldwide.
It seems ridiculous, right? It is atrocious to think of a world that is like that. Yet, when you switch the roles to how they actually ARE, it seems commonplace. That is just how the world is. Well that is not good enough. We are still not equal, and if you think we are, or that it doesn’t matter, you are playing with fire and just plain delusional.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Does it have to take a tragedy for us to change?
My partner told me that his stocks for a solar power development company just rose 4% in the past 10 minutes on top of a 10% rise in the past few hours. He told me this at the exact moment I was reading an article about the sharply falling odds of a nuclear revival in the U.S.
According to another article on MSNBC, as of 2002, 47,000 metric tons of spent fuel (which is now radioactive waste) has accumulated in the U.S. and is still waiting to be properly stored. Whatever ''properly stored'' means...
So what do I take from this? Something catastrophically horrible has happened and NOW we are starting to care. Never mind that we have long since known the potential dangers of nuclear energy and the ridiculousness of the 'out of sight out of mind' theory when applied to the pileup of radioactive material.
I want my parents to eat healthy and exercise so they live a long time. I have always bugged them about it. Yes, I am sure it has been annoying at times, but I bug them because I love them. I do not want them to be one of those people who have a heart attack and THEN realize they need to start being healthy.
Why does it so often take something tragic happening for people to start to change their ways for the better?
Let's start thinking about the future today. Hopefully the world will be here (and in tact) for our children and their children. We need to stop being so short sided when it comes to taking care of the earth and each other.
I hope all of my (and your) friends and loved ones in Japan are going to be okay.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The last day that I will ever be 28
What a strange thought.
What made up this year? Good and bad things, just like any other year. I have been lucky enough to start the year out in Costa Rica, followed by Colorado, then Florida and finally ending my 28th year in Belgium.
My family has a wonderful new edition: my brother married an amazing woman and I love her already. She also has a great family that I will get to know as my life goes on.
I had to be separated from my love for 6 months with only a short stint of seeing each other to break up that awful length.
I worked a shitty, pathetically paid job in retail, but I had some wonderful co-workers and learned a lot. I think I also got a bit of an attitude from that experience, but I think it might be a good thing. I am much less likely to take crap from people for no reason now.
I am feeling a bit strange this birthday. I was watching a tv show where the main character got into an accident. All of his friends dropped what they were doing and rushed to him, worried and wanting to make sure he was ok. It made me sad. I have had some wonderful adventures these past years. Since leaving Virginia in autumn, 2007, I have been to Korea, Thailand, Cambodia, Japan, Costa Rica, U.S. and now Belgium. I love seeing new places and I am so thankful for all of the incredible things I have been able to do. But that little show made me realize what I have been missing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some fantastic friends along the way. But the thing is…I left them. Or they left. I have been in places where people do not stay.
That scene made me miss a real circle of good friends. I miss the support, the companionship, the fun. It has been a long time since I had that. In Korea I just started to have that sense. And then I had to leave. In Costa Rica, I met a lot of wonderful people, but a deadline of a year was in my mind. And then I had to leave. I think I am tired of leaving. I want to invest in a place and make a life there with friends and loved ones. I still want to travel and have adventures. I just miss having a home base.
I want to dedicate these 28 years to all of the friends and loved ones I have had who would drop everything and come see me if I were in the hospital. You mean so much to me, so thank you…
What made up this year? Good and bad things, just like any other year. I have been lucky enough to start the year out in Costa Rica, followed by Colorado, then Florida and finally ending my 28th year in Belgium.
My family has a wonderful new edition: my brother married an amazing woman and I love her already. She also has a great family that I will get to know as my life goes on.
I had to be separated from my love for 6 months with only a short stint of seeing each other to break up that awful length.
I worked a shitty, pathetically paid job in retail, but I had some wonderful co-workers and learned a lot. I think I also got a bit of an attitude from that experience, but I think it might be a good thing. I am much less likely to take crap from people for no reason now.
I am feeling a bit strange this birthday. I was watching a tv show where the main character got into an accident. All of his friends dropped what they were doing and rushed to him, worried and wanting to make sure he was ok. It made me sad. I have had some wonderful adventures these past years. Since leaving Virginia in autumn, 2007, I have been to Korea, Thailand, Cambodia, Japan, Costa Rica, U.S. and now Belgium. I love seeing new places and I am so thankful for all of the incredible things I have been able to do. But that little show made me realize what I have been missing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some fantastic friends along the way. But the thing is…I left them. Or they left. I have been in places where people do not stay.
That scene made me miss a real circle of good friends. I miss the support, the companionship, the fun. It has been a long time since I had that. In Korea I just started to have that sense. And then I had to leave. In Costa Rica, I met a lot of wonderful people, but a deadline of a year was in my mind. And then I had to leave. I think I am tired of leaving. I want to invest in a place and make a life there with friends and loved ones. I still want to travel and have adventures. I just miss having a home base.
I want to dedicate these 28 years to all of the friends and loved ones I have had who would drop everything and come see me if I were in the hospital. You mean so much to me, so thank you…
Sunday, January 2, 2011
America's Favorite Pastime
I remember hearing when I was kid that baseball was our favorite pastime. Maybe that just means I am old.
But my age is not what my concern is here. It is our favorite pastime. Coming home to U.S. has been an eye opener. What do I see families doing together? What do friends get together to do? What do people who need an afternoon just for themselves decide on?
In my idealistic and romantic mind, I come up with many charming and fun possibilities: going hiking in the mountains; sitting at a little cafe and chatting and watching the world go by, going to see a neat little foreign film at the indie theater then splurging on a piece of chocolate cake at the bakery next door; going for a long bike ride in the park.
I realise that 1. many people still do these things, and 2. that I have watched way to many old movies.
But even though these things all still take place, I feel there is a huge monster looming over them, threatening to stomp them out like the embers of a campfire. So can you guess what this monster is? What is U.S. American's all time favorite pastime?
Shopping.
I have lived in several towns in the U.S. where all there is to do is shop. And have you noticed that all towns are starting to look more and more alike? They all have the big box stores crowded soullessly around a main road.
What do people do when they are bored or eager for fun or just want to get out? They go shopping. All the time. Even when they don't need anything, even when they are exhausted. Shop, shop, shop, shop. Have we all become shopping zombies?
I can't help but feeling that this current mindset really keeps people in their place. We work a crappy job, make just enough money to go out and buy crap we really don't need, then go home and watch tv because we are so tired from working and shopping. Sounds super fun when I put it like that, huh?
We do not spend our money on things to enrich our lives in any way. A shirt and pants hardly contribute to better life quality. Are we so brainwashed that we actually think pointless crap makes our lives better somehow? I am starting to wish people acted like they did in the old movies I love so much... I am bored of the house, honey. Let's go take a drive to the coast! Or maybe We have been working way too hard, let's take the family to the park! Anything seems better that driving to the nearest shopping mall and spending my pitiful, hard-earned salary on a shirt that will look shabby after 3 washes.
What would the world be like if we spent our money on life-enriching and relationship-strengthening activities? If we actually did things together that did not involve handing our hard-earned cash over to a poorly paid shop clerk? Think of what we could do with all that extra money!!!
What would our lives be like? I am thinking they would be a whole lot better.
But my age is not what my concern is here. It is our favorite pastime. Coming home to U.S. has been an eye opener. What do I see families doing together? What do friends get together to do? What do people who need an afternoon just for themselves decide on?
In my idealistic and romantic mind, I come up with many charming and fun possibilities: going hiking in the mountains; sitting at a little cafe and chatting and watching the world go by, going to see a neat little foreign film at the indie theater then splurging on a piece of chocolate cake at the bakery next door; going for a long bike ride in the park.
I realise that 1. many people still do these things, and 2. that I have watched way to many old movies.
But even though these things all still take place, I feel there is a huge monster looming over them, threatening to stomp them out like the embers of a campfire. So can you guess what this monster is? What is U.S. American's all time favorite pastime?
Shopping.
I have lived in several towns in the U.S. where all there is to do is shop. And have you noticed that all towns are starting to look more and more alike? They all have the big box stores crowded soullessly around a main road.
What do people do when they are bored or eager for fun or just want to get out? They go shopping. All the time. Even when they don't need anything, even when they are exhausted. Shop, shop, shop, shop. Have we all become shopping zombies?
I can't help but feeling that this current mindset really keeps people in their place. We work a crappy job, make just enough money to go out and buy crap we really don't need, then go home and watch tv because we are so tired from working and shopping. Sounds super fun when I put it like that, huh?
We do not spend our money on things to enrich our lives in any way. A shirt and pants hardly contribute to better life quality. Are we so brainwashed that we actually think pointless crap makes our lives better somehow? I am starting to wish people acted like they did in the old movies I love so much... I am bored of the house, honey. Let's go take a drive to the coast! Or maybe We have been working way too hard, let's take the family to the park! Anything seems better that driving to the nearest shopping mall and spending my pitiful, hard-earned salary on a shirt that will look shabby after 3 washes.
What would the world be like if we spent our money on life-enriching and relationship-strengthening activities? If we actually did things together that did not involve handing our hard-earned cash over to a poorly paid shop clerk? Think of what we could do with all that extra money!!!
What would our lives be like? I am thinking they would be a whole lot better.
Depression
Consider that for every man who suffers from depression, 2 women do. Why? So many factors need to be taken into account.
It is far less socially acceptable for men to be depressed, less accepted for them to cry or show emotions equated with anything *less than strong and tough.
Women are still unequal in this society. I don't give a shit if women say they are "liberated" by stripping classes showing off their thongs (well actaully I do care). Women are still undervalued. Still objectified, still make less money for doing the exact same job (and then often going home to do yet another job).
How do we determine if more women are depressed than men? Why is that? And what to do about it?
It is far less socially acceptable for men to be depressed, less accepted for them to cry or show emotions equated with anything *less than strong and tough.
Women are still unequal in this society. I don't give a shit if women say they are "liberated" by stripping classes showing off their thongs (well actaully I do care). Women are still undervalued. Still objectified, still make less money for doing the exact same job (and then often going home to do yet another job).
How do we determine if more women are depressed than men? Why is that? And what to do about it?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The TRUTH about retail
Working in retail at this stage in my life has actually been a huge learning process, and has been quite humbling as well. I work with many wonderful people who work hard and are just trying to make a living. That said, it has been extremely eye-opening in regards to human nature. Here are a few surprising things I have learned.
1. People buy the same CRAP over and over and over again. The same ugly ties, shirts, socks that all end up at the thrift store fly off the shelves like they are freaking platinum.
2. The holidays apparently make people crazy and more and more like mindless zombies every day. Why would a store stock a cheap as hell wooden pig puzzle (yes, pig puzzle)the retails for $20? Because people are desperate to shop for gifts, will see a sale..."Oh my God! This pig puzzle is on sale for only $10!!!" and they will buy it. Everytime.
3. People buy what the store tells them to buy. If something is not selling very well, a store can put it near the checkout in a halfway cool looking display and people will ooh and aah and buy them all out. If shirts are not selling so well, taking them off the floor for a week and putting them back out is enough to make them sell like hotcakes. Or just removing all but a few items does the same trick.
4. Nothing is new and exciting. I work in a store that I shopped in as teenager. I saw the exact same shirt (in new colors) that I bought ten years ago. Yes, I mean EXACTLY the same shirt. I went to another store after realizing this and saw a purple knitted shirt that I had bought in red 7 years ago.
5. Most likely a store knows when a person is stealing something. The store security cameras can practically see the pores on your skin. If the in-store police officer is on duty, he or she would absolutely LOVE to catch you at it and they often do. And the store clerks notice when people rip off tags and stuff them somewhere.
6. It is not only teenagers that steal. This is a common and unfair misconception. Yes, the juniors section is a pretty big hot spot, but many adults steal too. And theft has no gender or style boundaries. The shoplifters I have seen do not fit the cliche bill. They are usually dressed nicely and look like they could easily afford the stupid shit they are stealing.
7. A store is an incredible experiment in sociology. Most customers are very nice and respectful, but sadly, some treat retail workers like unpaid servants. Yes, we would be happy to help you, but we do not deserve the huge piles of clothes turned inside out and left in knots in the dressing room, the coffee cups shoved under benches and other similar messes. For 7-8 bucks an hour, keep in mind: retail workers are not maids, we deserve a smile and a smidge of respect. Just as it says A LOT about you how you treat your server at a restaurant, it also says a lot about you how you act when you walk in a store. Have a heart, have some class and you can make our days tremendously more meaningful.
8. Products are being made as cheaply as absolutely possible. Everyone is trying to save money, including the product manufacturers. That shirt you have had your eye on for weeks (the one that is so expensive you have to wait for it to go on sale), is made with the cheapest zipper possible, the cheapest fabric possible and, if you look at the seams, is put together pretty shabbily too. I am not just talking about less expensive stores, but nice department stores too. I am a long time sewing enthusiast, and it makes me mad to see people spending their hard earned money on a shirt that will look misshapen and faded in a few months.
9. Retail workers are like a great underpaid family. Though the pay is not enough to support yourself much less a family, the people bond over what they do on a daily basis. They laugh when customer is funny, they help each other out when one needs it and they all work together to get the job done. At the end of a long, inglorious day, retail workers may be exhausted, but they can still share a laugh and wave each other good bye in the parking lot, and all to do it again the next day.
Everyone is working hard right now. Everyone deserves a little respect, regardless of their job.
1. People buy the same CRAP over and over and over again. The same ugly ties, shirts, socks that all end up at the thrift store fly off the shelves like they are freaking platinum.
2. The holidays apparently make people crazy and more and more like mindless zombies every day. Why would a store stock a cheap as hell wooden pig puzzle (yes, pig puzzle)the retails for $20? Because people are desperate to shop for gifts, will see a sale..."Oh my God! This pig puzzle is on sale for only $10!!!" and they will buy it. Everytime.
3. People buy what the store tells them to buy. If something is not selling very well, a store can put it near the checkout in a halfway cool looking display and people will ooh and aah and buy them all out. If shirts are not selling so well, taking them off the floor for a week and putting them back out is enough to make them sell like hotcakes. Or just removing all but a few items does the same trick.
4. Nothing is new and exciting. I work in a store that I shopped in as teenager. I saw the exact same shirt (in new colors) that I bought ten years ago. Yes, I mean EXACTLY the same shirt. I went to another store after realizing this and saw a purple knitted shirt that I had bought in red 7 years ago.
5. Most likely a store knows when a person is stealing something. The store security cameras can practically see the pores on your skin. If the in-store police officer is on duty, he or she would absolutely LOVE to catch you at it and they often do. And the store clerks notice when people rip off tags and stuff them somewhere.
6. It is not only teenagers that steal. This is a common and unfair misconception. Yes, the juniors section is a pretty big hot spot, but many adults steal too. And theft has no gender or style boundaries. The shoplifters I have seen do not fit the cliche bill. They are usually dressed nicely and look like they could easily afford the stupid shit they are stealing.
7. A store is an incredible experiment in sociology. Most customers are very nice and respectful, but sadly, some treat retail workers like unpaid servants. Yes, we would be happy to help you, but we do not deserve the huge piles of clothes turned inside out and left in knots in the dressing room, the coffee cups shoved under benches and other similar messes. For 7-8 bucks an hour, keep in mind: retail workers are not maids, we deserve a smile and a smidge of respect. Just as it says A LOT about you how you treat your server at a restaurant, it also says a lot about you how you act when you walk in a store. Have a heart, have some class and you can make our days tremendously more meaningful.
8. Products are being made as cheaply as absolutely possible. Everyone is trying to save money, including the product manufacturers. That shirt you have had your eye on for weeks (the one that is so expensive you have to wait for it to go on sale), is made with the cheapest zipper possible, the cheapest fabric possible and, if you look at the seams, is put together pretty shabbily too. I am not just talking about less expensive stores, but nice department stores too. I am a long time sewing enthusiast, and it makes me mad to see people spending their hard earned money on a shirt that will look misshapen and faded in a few months.
9. Retail workers are like a great underpaid family. Though the pay is not enough to support yourself much less a family, the people bond over what they do on a daily basis. They laugh when customer is funny, they help each other out when one needs it and they all work together to get the job done. At the end of a long, inglorious day, retail workers may be exhausted, but they can still share a laugh and wave each other good bye in the parking lot, and all to do it again the next day.
Everyone is working hard right now. Everyone deserves a little respect, regardless of their job.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
But I can get through it all...
Money is tight. I owe some, for sure. I am in a pretty boring town with nice people but no dear friends. I am trying to figure out how to make things work.
But all of that is okay. Wonderful, in fact. Because I have the most magnificent thing in the whole world waiting patiently for me across the ocean.
I can't think of one thing better, nor can I think of any bad thing that overshadows loving and being loved. It is all so worth it. Even after a long, hard day, I am happy when I lay down to go to sleep. That feels so good.
One of my favorite love songs...right here
But all of that is okay. Wonderful, in fact. Because I have the most magnificent thing in the whole world waiting patiently for me across the ocean.
I can't think of one thing better, nor can I think of any bad thing that overshadows loving and being loved. It is all so worth it. Even after a long, hard day, I am happy when I lay down to go to sleep. That feels so good.
One of my favorite love songs...right here
Working 1 hour barely buys me a gallon of milk and a box of cereal to eat with it.
Okay. This is a bit embarrassing to admit because I am almost done with my M.A., but it is true: I did not know if I should laugh or cry at the supermarket the other day when I realized that I had to work for a whole hour to buy body wash and a tiny container of tuna. So I put the body wash back. And I was mad when I got home because I realized that in the 2 and a half years that I have been out of the U.S., the tuna can has gotten significantly smaller AND more expensive. Yet I am still making the exact same wage as I did 7 years ago working at a fabric store. Only now I am in debt for grad school. Awesome.
Am I the only one who thinks there is something wrong with this picture?
I was out and about today and I had a short, pleasant conversation with a young store clerk. He had a sling on his arm, but he was still working cheerfully. I asked him about it, and he disclosed that he had been injured in a football game and had to have surgery in just a few days. I said that I hope his insurance was covering it. He said that his insurance coughs up 80% and he has to cover the rest, which is over $1000. In a very lighthearted manner, he said he has been working 3 jobs just so he can pay for it. This nice kid couldn't have been more than 20.
Gas and food prices have gone up. Rent has gone up. There are less jobs and wages have stayed exactly the same. Why isn't anyone talking about this?
Am I the only one who thinks there is something wrong with this picture?
I was out and about today and I had a short, pleasant conversation with a young store clerk. He had a sling on his arm, but he was still working cheerfully. I asked him about it, and he disclosed that he had been injured in a football game and had to have surgery in just a few days. I said that I hope his insurance was covering it. He said that his insurance coughs up 80% and he has to cover the rest, which is over $1000. In a very lighthearted manner, he said he has been working 3 jobs just so he can pay for it. This nice kid couldn't have been more than 20.
Gas and food prices have gone up. Rent has gone up. There are less jobs and wages have stayed exactly the same. Why isn't anyone talking about this?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Saving sand dollars
I have long since felt that people reveal their true nature by how they treat the most seemingly insignificant creatures. With disdain, ambivalence or compassion...
A few weeks ago, I was at a beautiful, windy and scarcely populated beach here in Sarasota. I had been told it was a perfect beach to treasure hunt for sand dollars. It was!
Wading out into the gulf, I found dozens of the beauties with my feet, just below the sand. A few others around me were finding them too.
As I carried my handful back to the shore, two women stopped me and kindly told me that the ones I had gathered were still alive. They told me how to tell which were dead and okay to keep. They said I could do whatever I wished, they just wanted to let me know. My Mom, who had also scavenged an armful, dropped them instantly and thanked the women for letting her know. I was a bit hesitant but after a mini internal grumble, I dropped them to the gulf bottom.
Another person in my party had heard the advice but taken them to the shore already, saying that it was just a few measly sand dollars and it wasn't hurting anyone.
Now my mission in this is not to be a big sand dollar saving hippie--though I would not mind if that point got across, but to think about how that type of thinking can do such great damage. Just think if everyone had that mindset. What would it do to our earth? Sadly too many people, too many corporations act out of this same line of reasoning.
It is just one. Just a few. Just a few don't matter. That is absolutely not true.
It is just one tiny creature in that beautiful sand dollar, but my quality of life really isn't any better if I bleach it to death so I can put it in my bathroom.
A few weeks ago, I was at a beautiful, windy and scarcely populated beach here in Sarasota. I had been told it was a perfect beach to treasure hunt for sand dollars. It was!
Wading out into the gulf, I found dozens of the beauties with my feet, just below the sand. A few others around me were finding them too.
As I carried my handful back to the shore, two women stopped me and kindly told me that the ones I had gathered were still alive. They told me how to tell which were dead and okay to keep. They said I could do whatever I wished, they just wanted to let me know. My Mom, who had also scavenged an armful, dropped them instantly and thanked the women for letting her know. I was a bit hesitant but after a mini internal grumble, I dropped them to the gulf bottom.
Another person in my party had heard the advice but taken them to the shore already, saying that it was just a few measly sand dollars and it wasn't hurting anyone.
Now my mission in this is not to be a big sand dollar saving hippie--though I would not mind if that point got across, but to think about how that type of thinking can do such great damage. Just think if everyone had that mindset. What would it do to our earth? Sadly too many people, too many corporations act out of this same line of reasoning.
It is just one. Just a few. Just a few don't matter. That is absolutely not true.
It is just one tiny creature in that beautiful sand dollar, but my quality of life really isn't any better if I bleach it to death so I can put it in my bathroom.
Here is to CHANGE.
As a feminist woman, why should I give a damn if men get involved in the pursuit of a gender equitable society? Why should I care about how men view feminism?
Because without men on board, nothing will ever change.
Because without men on board, nothing will ever change.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Does "winning" a war mean nothing or everything?
Many people have explored the idea that there are no winners in war. That there is such irony in calling oneself a winner of a war.
Let me think about it.
If there is a winner, then it is certainly (presumably) a loser. Or several losers. What happens when people lose a game? If a person is a "bad loser" they can become angry and bitter and often act in negative or aggressive ways. I have witnessed bad losers before. But only in games. Like board games or bowling or mini golf. I am not the best loser when it comes to Monopoly for sure.
And sports games. Crowds can get violent after an important game. During the World Cup--and I imagine other organized games as well--violence against women goes up significantly in the country of the losing team. Let me put that into more specific words so the meaning is not dulled: When a team loses a game in the World Cup, more women in that country are violently beaten that night. Because aggression goes up after experiencing a loss. Of a football game.
And in war? If bad losers of board games and football games can act in such ways, what about the losers of a war? And not without reason. Not to say the actions are justified, but I can see how the actions of a loser in war could grow infinitely. If losing means that I see the death of my countrypeople all around me, if losing means that I fall witness to torture and rape and humiliation, if losing means starving and having no place to call home--then yes. I can imagine being a bad loser a very likely thing indeed.
What happens to those feelings after such a loss? They do not fade away into nothingness. They do not slowly dim, resulting in ambiguity.
I can only imagine that they grow. Mutate. Fester into hatred that cannot be forgotten. I can't even imagine feeling this. I am beyond fortunate.
Even in my extremely basic understanding of physics, I understand the principle that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So when people lose in war, the hatred, hurt and desperation must transform into something. If that cannot be turned towards the supposed winner of the war, then it must turn on someone else.
So I ask: does violence ever solve anything?
And the winner? I never really understood how a country or group of people can win a war. To me, that is a cruel slap in the face to every person whose life was lost fighting in that war; a slap in the face to every person who has loved a person who has died fighting to "win".
Yes, I have heard the greater good argument. But it is easy to make that argument when you are still alive. When all of your loved ones are cozy in their beds.
So even when a war is won, the victory is soiled with much blood. And those who do make it home after the war is over? Have they won when they cannot forget all of the violent things they have seen, all of the violent things they have been told to do? If this is what winning is, then my concept of winning and losing needs much reflection...
some afterthoughts...
The lives that are lost to win a war need to be heavily examined. The powerful people that determine if a country goes to war will rarely risk their lives, or the lives of their loved ones. In the U.S., economics play such a huge part in who enlists in the military. It is often the only forseeable choice for young U.S. Americans who cannot afford or no desire to go to university. These people, the ones who will actually risk their lives (and sometimes lose them) to achieve "the greater good" have no power or decision making rights. It is ridiculous to me that the ones deciding where the blood may be spilled, risk none of their own blood. Again, it is easy to wage a violent war when you are safe in your luxurious office.
Also, a friend made a good comment, that warfare should only be waged as an absolute last resort, when everything else has been exhausted. We need to exhaust more options. Of course millions of people are much more complicated than a couple in a relationship, but certainly the priciple can be expanded to war; in a fight between two people in a relationship, there can be many outcomes.
If the people are invested in one another, they will either resolve their conflict so both partners can go on feeling fufilled,cared for and respected, OR they will leave the conflict in a way so one partner is satisfied with the outcome and the other is not. The other partner is then left feeling as though they do not matter as much in the relationship. I don't know about you, but I have experienced this and it is a terrible feeling. Those relationships either end or go on with one partner delusionaly satisfied and the other feeling unfufilled and disconnected.
War is way more complicated than a relationship between two people for sure, but the principles of relationships can apply to many levels.
Let me think about it.
If there is a winner, then it is certainly (presumably) a loser. Or several losers. What happens when people lose a game? If a person is a "bad loser" they can become angry and bitter and often act in negative or aggressive ways. I have witnessed bad losers before. But only in games. Like board games or bowling or mini golf. I am not the best loser when it comes to Monopoly for sure.
And sports games. Crowds can get violent after an important game. During the World Cup--and I imagine other organized games as well--violence against women goes up significantly in the country of the losing team. Let me put that into more specific words so the meaning is not dulled: When a team loses a game in the World Cup, more women in that country are violently beaten that night. Because aggression goes up after experiencing a loss. Of a football game.
And in war? If bad losers of board games and football games can act in such ways, what about the losers of a war? And not without reason. Not to say the actions are justified, but I can see how the actions of a loser in war could grow infinitely. If losing means that I see the death of my countrypeople all around me, if losing means that I fall witness to torture and rape and humiliation, if losing means starving and having no place to call home--then yes. I can imagine being a bad loser a very likely thing indeed.
What happens to those feelings after such a loss? They do not fade away into nothingness. They do not slowly dim, resulting in ambiguity.
I can only imagine that they grow. Mutate. Fester into hatred that cannot be forgotten. I can't even imagine feeling this. I am beyond fortunate.
Even in my extremely basic understanding of physics, I understand the principle that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So when people lose in war, the hatred, hurt and desperation must transform into something. If that cannot be turned towards the supposed winner of the war, then it must turn on someone else.
So I ask: does violence ever solve anything?
And the winner? I never really understood how a country or group of people can win a war. To me, that is a cruel slap in the face to every person whose life was lost fighting in that war; a slap in the face to every person who has loved a person who has died fighting to "win".
Yes, I have heard the greater good argument. But it is easy to make that argument when you are still alive. When all of your loved ones are cozy in their beds.
So even when a war is won, the victory is soiled with much blood. And those who do make it home after the war is over? Have they won when they cannot forget all of the violent things they have seen, all of the violent things they have been told to do? If this is what winning is, then my concept of winning and losing needs much reflection...
some afterthoughts...
The lives that are lost to win a war need to be heavily examined. The powerful people that determine if a country goes to war will rarely risk their lives, or the lives of their loved ones. In the U.S., economics play such a huge part in who enlists in the military. It is often the only forseeable choice for young U.S. Americans who cannot afford or no desire to go to university. These people, the ones who will actually risk their lives (and sometimes lose them) to achieve "the greater good" have no power or decision making rights. It is ridiculous to me that the ones deciding where the blood may be spilled, risk none of their own blood. Again, it is easy to wage a violent war when you are safe in your luxurious office.
Also, a friend made a good comment, that warfare should only be waged as an absolute last resort, when everything else has been exhausted. We need to exhaust more options. Of course millions of people are much more complicated than a couple in a relationship, but certainly the priciple can be expanded to war; in a fight between two people in a relationship, there can be many outcomes.
If the people are invested in one another, they will either resolve their conflict so both partners can go on feeling fufilled,cared for and respected, OR they will leave the conflict in a way so one partner is satisfied with the outcome and the other is not. The other partner is then left feeling as though they do not matter as much in the relationship. I don't know about you, but I have experienced this and it is a terrible feeling. Those relationships either end or go on with one partner delusionaly satisfied and the other feeling unfufilled and disconnected.
War is way more complicated than a relationship between two people for sure, but the principles of relationships can apply to many levels.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The luxury to have a reality check
A hallow victory...
One day after the International Day of Peace, I got to thinking. Yes, It is difficult to be a broke student trying to find a job in a bad economy with massive school loans weighing me down. Yes it is frightening to not have health insurance. Nonetheless, I am fortunate.
I have the luxury of sitting here by the window, typing and eating some pineapple. I have the luxury of discussion here on my blog--complaining about companies profiting off women's insecurities, about communication problems and relationships.
Had I been born to different parents, my life could be completely different. I might not have had the luxury of complaining.
I do not have to walk for days in the dessert heat, just to bring water to my family. I do not have to be afraid of being raped every time I go to the bathroom in my refugee camp. I do not have to cry as I look around at the women of my country, knowing that 9 out of 10 of my fellow women have been sexually assaulted. I will not be disowned and forced to commit suicide after being raped.
I am free from being violently thrown from my home, having nowhere else to go. I can rest in peace knowing that I will not be raped by an opposing side in a war that has nothing to do with me. I will not be humiliated. I will not be beaten. I will not have acid thrown in face, blinding and painfully disfiguring me on my way to school. I will not go to a school party and have fellow students assault me and leave me for dead under a bench.
I can sit here, in my quiet study, and know that I will fall asleep tonight safe in my warm bed. I want to make a difference in the world. I don't want to forget others whose lives are so full of hardships.
I don't want to complain. But it seems I have that luxury...
One day after the International Day of Peace, I got to thinking. Yes, It is difficult to be a broke student trying to find a job in a bad economy with massive school loans weighing me down. Yes it is frightening to not have health insurance. Nonetheless, I am fortunate.
I have the luxury of sitting here by the window, typing and eating some pineapple. I have the luxury of discussion here on my blog--complaining about companies profiting off women's insecurities, about communication problems and relationships.
Had I been born to different parents, my life could be completely different. I might not have had the luxury of complaining.
I do not have to walk for days in the dessert heat, just to bring water to my family. I do not have to be afraid of being raped every time I go to the bathroom in my refugee camp. I do not have to cry as I look around at the women of my country, knowing that 9 out of 10 of my fellow women have been sexually assaulted. I will not be disowned and forced to commit suicide after being raped.
I am free from being violently thrown from my home, having nowhere else to go. I can rest in peace knowing that I will not be raped by an opposing side in a war that has nothing to do with me. I will not be humiliated. I will not be beaten. I will not have acid thrown in face, blinding and painfully disfiguring me on my way to school. I will not go to a school party and have fellow students assault me and leave me for dead under a bench.
I can sit here, in my quiet study, and know that I will fall asleep tonight safe in my warm bed. I want to make a difference in the world. I don't want to forget others whose lives are so full of hardships.
I don't want to complain. But it seems I have that luxury...
Monday, September 20, 2010
How are regular U.S. Americans surviving?
I have been extensively looking for jobs.
And I mean extensively.
While I finish my thesis and look for stimulating jobs in my field, I have been hunting for a tide-me-over job. Now, do not get me wrong...a job is a job. Any way a man or women can do an honest day of hard work is good by me. I am just really looking forward to starting a career involving my passions. (My passions that I have gone into huge debt over that I will probably be paying off for many years to come).
Anyway. Of all the (somewhere around 30) places I went to and called and followed up on only hire part time. So of course no benefits. And with this crap economy they can pay you less than normal because there are 300 other people who want the exact same crap job as you.
So my question: how are people supposed to survive?
It is difficult enough finding 1 part time job, much the 2 part time jobs that are needed to afford a shitty but bearable existence. On one part time salary, how am I supposed to pay rent? What If I get sick--how am I supposed to afford the doctor, or worse, afford any kind of treatment?
The price of food now is ridiculous! Maybe it is because I have been working and studying abroad for two and a half years now, but don't think so. I feel like going to the grocery store is such a disappointment. Buying 10 measly items racks up a $30+ bill! And I am a vegetarian, so that doesn't even include the cost of meat.
What if I had a family to support? As of right now, I only have my cat to feed. What if I had a kid or 2? Or 3? How on earth would I pay for a roof over their heads, health care, clothing, school supplies, food?
And yet, with every employer it remains the same: "We only hire part time".
How are you surviving, America? I wish the best for everyone. I really do...
And I mean extensively.
While I finish my thesis and look for stimulating jobs in my field, I have been hunting for a tide-me-over job. Now, do not get me wrong...a job is a job. Any way a man or women can do an honest day of hard work is good by me. I am just really looking forward to starting a career involving my passions. (My passions that I have gone into huge debt over that I will probably be paying off for many years to come).
Anyway. Of all the (somewhere around 30) places I went to and called and followed up on only hire part time. So of course no benefits. And with this crap economy they can pay you less than normal because there are 300 other people who want the exact same crap job as you.
So my question: how are people supposed to survive?
It is difficult enough finding 1 part time job, much the 2 part time jobs that are needed to afford a shitty but bearable existence. On one part time salary, how am I supposed to pay rent? What If I get sick--how am I supposed to afford the doctor, or worse, afford any kind of treatment?
The price of food now is ridiculous! Maybe it is because I have been working and studying abroad for two and a half years now, but don't think so. I feel like going to the grocery store is such a disappointment. Buying 10 measly items racks up a $30+ bill! And I am a vegetarian, so that doesn't even include the cost of meat.
What if I had a family to support? As of right now, I only have my cat to feed. What if I had a kid or 2? Or 3? How on earth would I pay for a roof over their heads, health care, clothing, school supplies, food?
And yet, with every employer it remains the same: "We only hire part time".
How are you surviving, America? I wish the best for everyone. I really do...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Damn. "Femininity" is expensive.
What are we, as women, told is feminine? Long, shiny, voluminous, bouncy, non-frizzy hair. Long, dark, curly eyelashes. Long, hairless, tanned/not tanned legs. Full, colorful lips. Rosy cheeks; dewy complexion. Smokey, defined eyes. Perky breasts. Slim and defined waist. Oh yeah. We are told that looking young is the most important thing of all.
Of course, there is a plethora of products to help women achieve these so called feminine traits. We have all heard the statistic of how many billions of dollars U.S. Americans spend on beauty products, but do we really think about it? Do we think about the consequences, the implications?
You can buy self tanner, skin whitening cream, rouge, blush, straightening irons, curling irons, push up bras, waist cinchers, lip gloss, eyelash curlers (which look like a freaking medieval torture device), cover-up, foundation and powder (We already have skin, for crying out loud! And men aren't concerned with covering up "imperfections" with makeup...), shavers, hair-removal cream, hair-removal foam, hair dye, hair shine treatments, eyelash growth medication, tummy-control tights, lip-plumper lipstick, eyebrow waxing, eyebrow flossing (I don't even want to know how that works). I am not so big into this crap, so I am sure there are many products I am overlooking.
We are often told to 'enhance our natural beauty'. What is wrong with our actual beauty? I think men for sure, and hopefully some women would agree that the unpoked, unplucked, unmade female form is unbelievably beautiful. As is the natural male form.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but why does your best have to be SO EXPENSIVE?
How convenient that there is a SHITLOAD of money to be made off women being insecure with their own, natural bodies. Why would anyone with money to be made off making women insecure about their bodies (beauty supply companies, fashion magazines etc..) have any motivation to really want to improve the lives of women? In three words: they would not.
Women: you are beautiful on your own. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Why would anyone tell you otherwise? Because they have power over you and want to make sure they keep that power.
Of course, there is a plethora of products to help women achieve these so called feminine traits. We have all heard the statistic of how many billions of dollars U.S. Americans spend on beauty products, but do we really think about it? Do we think about the consequences, the implications?
You can buy self tanner, skin whitening cream, rouge, blush, straightening irons, curling irons, push up bras, waist cinchers, lip gloss, eyelash curlers (which look like a freaking medieval torture device), cover-up, foundation and powder (We already have skin, for crying out loud! And men aren't concerned with covering up "imperfections" with makeup...), shavers, hair-removal cream, hair-removal foam, hair dye, hair shine treatments, eyelash growth medication, tummy-control tights, lip-plumper lipstick, eyebrow waxing, eyebrow flossing (I don't even want to know how that works). I am not so big into this crap, so I am sure there are many products I am overlooking.
We are often told to 'enhance our natural beauty'. What is wrong with our actual beauty? I think men for sure, and hopefully some women would agree that the unpoked, unplucked, unmade female form is unbelievably beautiful. As is the natural male form.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but why does your best have to be SO EXPENSIVE?
How convenient that there is a SHITLOAD of money to be made off women being insecure with their own, natural bodies. Why would anyone with money to be made off making women insecure about their bodies (beauty supply companies, fashion magazines etc..) have any motivation to really want to improve the lives of women? In three words: they would not.
Women: you are beautiful on your own. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Why would anyone tell you otherwise? Because they have power over you and want to make sure they keep that power.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
MIS(ter)COMMUNICATION
This afternoon in the car, someone very close to me asked me, "...well, how many men do you know that are good communicators?" (This someone happens to be a man himself, and he also happens to be one of the best male communicators I have ever known).
Okay, so anyway... Excellent question. My answer: sadly, not very many at all.
Why is that? Communication is a vital aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.
A person is much more likely to be successful in a career if they are a good communicator. True, talking is not the only way to communicate--but for sure we, as humans, pride ourselves on rational thought and feeling. And rational thought and feelings are absolutely pointless if they cannot be communicated. Every great idea that graced the mind of people has either been shared or lost forever within the mind of its creator.
So, doesn't it seem to be a major setback for a man to not be a good communicator? Please do not get me wrong--being a woman does not make you a good communicator, and being a man does mean you are a bad one. In the nature versus nurture argument my see-saw tends to plunk down on the nurture side.
What is it? Does our society not value that skill in men? Are they socialized to see communication as a bad thing...or simply not valued?
Why are women labeled the communicators? Why are we seen as the talkers? Yes, I think a person can talk too much, but I also think that a person can talk too little. And plenty of people have trouble communicating in a positive, effective way.
My personal examples: (no names, no relationship details, but men I have known and cared about for a long time) Man 1--He is a great person, smart and caring. But very difficult to talk with deeply. Once every 2 or 3 months, he will open open up and we will have a great conversation for hours and hours. Then the communication window closes and you must wait patiently till it opens again. If you try to get him to open up at other times, he gets bothered.
Man 2--He shows his love by buying things and planning trips. He gets angry very easily and often says very mean and hurtful things out of anger. He says I love you, but can't really communicate it in any other way. He shows love by being a provider, not by communicating feelings.
Man 3--He does not like to fight, but when he does, he gets incredibly angry, mean and hurtful. The other 99% of the time, he avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. It just builds up in him until it explodes in a very destructive way.
Man 4--He keeps nearly all of his feelings to himself. What affection he can communicate is nearly entirely through his actions. When he is angry,even over something extremely important, he does not deal with it, he will just leave the situation--often forever.
All of these men are really good people that I love or have loved. I am happy we are all different and I know not everyone communicates in the same way. I just wish these men could have communicated with me differently, more positively, more effectively. So many problems in my relationships have been due to miscommunication...one person says something they do not mean, one person takes something in a certain way that was not intended, people withhold their true feelings, people are too afraid to communicate their true feelings. Relationships present enough struggles as it is...not being able to communicate through those struggles makes the situation so much worse. I can't help but wonder, how would my past relationships have been different if we could only communicate what we feel, and in a constructive way?
I do not agree with the archaic concept of it being a man's job to provide for and protect. Sure it is nice when they do, but women should provide and protect too, and a man is no less of a man if fails to kill himself working and communicating etc.. to provide 5 plasma TVs for his family. BUT, this provider "rule" highly contradicts with the non-communicator aspect of masculinity. To be a good provider, you need to be able to communicate well; both with your family (to keep the family close-knit and happy) and in your job or career. To well at most jobs, you need to be able to communicate with your boss and fellow workers.
How many men have I known that can communicate their feelings and thoughts with me well? Very few. That makes me sad, I know many men that have a lot to offer. Men are worth more than their ability to work or perform. They are worth their thoughts and feelings too. Just as women are.
What would the world be like if we could all positively and effectively communicate our feelings? Just imagine...
Okay, so anyway... Excellent question. My answer: sadly, not very many at all.
Why is that? Communication is a vital aspect to maintaining healthy relationships.
A person is much more likely to be successful in a career if they are a good communicator. True, talking is not the only way to communicate--but for sure we, as humans, pride ourselves on rational thought and feeling. And rational thought and feelings are absolutely pointless if they cannot be communicated. Every great idea that graced the mind of people has either been shared or lost forever within the mind of its creator.
So, doesn't it seem to be a major setback for a man to not be a good communicator? Please do not get me wrong--being a woman does not make you a good communicator, and being a man does mean you are a bad one. In the nature versus nurture argument my see-saw tends to plunk down on the nurture side.
What is it? Does our society not value that skill in men? Are they socialized to see communication as a bad thing...or simply not valued?
Why are women labeled the communicators? Why are we seen as the talkers? Yes, I think a person can talk too much, but I also think that a person can talk too little. And plenty of people have trouble communicating in a positive, effective way.
My personal examples: (no names, no relationship details, but men I have known and cared about for a long time) Man 1--He is a great person, smart and caring. But very difficult to talk with deeply. Once every 2 or 3 months, he will open open up and we will have a great conversation for hours and hours. Then the communication window closes and you must wait patiently till it opens again. If you try to get him to open up at other times, he gets bothered.
Man 2--He shows his love by buying things and planning trips. He gets angry very easily and often says very mean and hurtful things out of anger. He says I love you, but can't really communicate it in any other way. He shows love by being a provider, not by communicating feelings.
Man 3--He does not like to fight, but when he does, he gets incredibly angry, mean and hurtful. The other 99% of the time, he avoids any kind of conflict whatsoever. It just builds up in him until it explodes in a very destructive way.
Man 4--He keeps nearly all of his feelings to himself. What affection he can communicate is nearly entirely through his actions. When he is angry,even over something extremely important, he does not deal with it, he will just leave the situation--often forever.
All of these men are really good people that I love or have loved. I am happy we are all different and I know not everyone communicates in the same way. I just wish these men could have communicated with me differently, more positively, more effectively. So many problems in my relationships have been due to miscommunication...one person says something they do not mean, one person takes something in a certain way that was not intended, people withhold their true feelings, people are too afraid to communicate their true feelings. Relationships present enough struggles as it is...not being able to communicate through those struggles makes the situation so much worse. I can't help but wonder, how would my past relationships have been different if we could only communicate what we feel, and in a constructive way?
I do not agree with the archaic concept of it being a man's job to provide for and protect. Sure it is nice when they do, but women should provide and protect too, and a man is no less of a man if fails to kill himself working and communicating etc.. to provide 5 plasma TVs for his family. BUT, this provider "rule" highly contradicts with the non-communicator aspect of masculinity. To be a good provider, you need to be able to communicate well; both with your family (to keep the family close-knit and happy) and in your job or career. To well at most jobs, you need to be able to communicate with your boss and fellow workers.
How many men have I known that can communicate their feelings and thoughts with me well? Very few. That makes me sad, I know many men that have a lot to offer. Men are worth more than their ability to work or perform. They are worth their thoughts and feelings too. Just as women are.
What would the world be like if we could all positively and effectively communicate our feelings? Just imagine...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Women, Men, Money and Divorce
I just read about a study in Time Newsfeed that found women who earn 60% of the household income were almost 40% more likely to get divorced than women who earn less than their male partners.
The author of the article comments that, for women, more money equals more problems. Is that true? I know many women of my parents generation who have stayed in unhappy marriages because the all too important financial side of life pressured them to. As I mentioned in an earlier post, women's jobs and roles are all too often devalued in our society. Women are also traditionally deemed the caregivers, and women do not want to split up their family and subject children (if they have any) to financial woes. It is damned expensive to provide for a kid. I don't have any but I was one--and I am certain I was crazy expensive! Here, again, gender roles need to be redefined. Women are not naturally good caregivers, and men are not naturally the providers.
My mother has always worked just as hard at her career as my father has. (And come home to cook, clean and take care of us growing up). She has worked passionately her whole life in non-violent education, promoting equal rights for people with disabilities, and k-university level education and development. She also makes a fraction of what my (equally hardworking) father does. He works in "Defense". Contracting, strategizing etc...
In regards to the study, of course the stereotypical questions come up...is the man threatened by his mates success? Does the couple fight more due to the income imbalance?
What about questions about the women? Maybe more money simply equals more stability and security. Maybe without being tied to her husband financially, she is able to assess her relationship, without fearing that she will not be able to make it on her own.
For sure, the topic is complicated and has many levels. Many things no doubt contribute to this social phenomenon.
Does that mean that partnerships where the man makes more money than the woman are more likely to stay together? If yes, what does that imply? That too seems to indicate that money and wealth is associated with men and masculinity. And what if men and women make equal amounts? Consider the results of another study: men and women in partnerships who share equally in household chores report significantly better and more satisfying sex lives. Does it seem logical to assume that partnerships where both earn similar incomes are more satisfied in their relationships? I know I feel much more satisfied being in an equal relationship! It is always an issue if one has more or less education, money, life experiences. I know a strong couple can make it through those inequalities, but maintaining a rewarding relationship is difficult enough, without any addition challenges to work through.
And also...what about gay and lesbian couples? Are they more likely to divorce or separate if one makes more than the other? I wish there was more research for all communities!
The author of the article comments that, for women, more money equals more problems. Is that true? I know many women of my parents generation who have stayed in unhappy marriages because the all too important financial side of life pressured them to. As I mentioned in an earlier post, women's jobs and roles are all too often devalued in our society. Women are also traditionally deemed the caregivers, and women do not want to split up their family and subject children (if they have any) to financial woes. It is damned expensive to provide for a kid. I don't have any but I was one--and I am certain I was crazy expensive! Here, again, gender roles need to be redefined. Women are not naturally good caregivers, and men are not naturally the providers.
My mother has always worked just as hard at her career as my father has. (And come home to cook, clean and take care of us growing up). She has worked passionately her whole life in non-violent education, promoting equal rights for people with disabilities, and k-university level education and development. She also makes a fraction of what my (equally hardworking) father does. He works in "Defense". Contracting, strategizing etc...
In regards to the study, of course the stereotypical questions come up...is the man threatened by his mates success? Does the couple fight more due to the income imbalance?
What about questions about the women? Maybe more money simply equals more stability and security. Maybe without being tied to her husband financially, she is able to assess her relationship, without fearing that she will not be able to make it on her own.
For sure, the topic is complicated and has many levels. Many things no doubt contribute to this social phenomenon.
Does that mean that partnerships where the man makes more money than the woman are more likely to stay together? If yes, what does that imply? That too seems to indicate that money and wealth is associated with men and masculinity. And what if men and women make equal amounts? Consider the results of another study: men and women in partnerships who share equally in household chores report significantly better and more satisfying sex lives. Does it seem logical to assume that partnerships where both earn similar incomes are more satisfied in their relationships? I know I feel much more satisfied being in an equal relationship! It is always an issue if one has more or less education, money, life experiences. I know a strong couple can make it through those inequalities, but maintaining a rewarding relationship is difficult enough, without any addition challenges to work through.
And also...what about gay and lesbian couples? Are they more likely to divorce or separate if one makes more than the other? I wish there was more research for all communities!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Teaching and being taught...
I have found many times over that in order to foster positive growth and change, it is better to do so not with harsh criticism and negativity, but with positive feedback and understanding.
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